All my life, I’ve been pleasing people, being there for them and be their friend/confidante…but when it’s my turn to be depressed/sad/suicidal, where’s everybody? And of all times, I have to choose to be in this state of mind when everybody’s busy with school/work/lives. Just my luck, isn’t it?? God, how come you’ve created me this way?? Why do I have to endure all this??!! I’m your child, but why can’t feel any love and care in this world, where I’ve given out so much to other, but received none. Am I not deserving of such love? I’m flesh and blood, body and soul too. Can you take a pity on me and give a little more to me in this period of desperation..?? I’m begging and asking, as you said,“ ask and you shall receive”. And I’m sincerely doing that now.
They said, “walk a mile in their shoes before judging them”, but I’ve walked in so many of them, felt their needs and empathize with them. But has anyone really walked in mine?? Is being a goody two-shoe, nice guy always an easy target for bullies and unfair treatment? What it takes to live on this planet? Questions questions questions…who can truly answer them?????????????????????????
I tried my best to treat everyone equally and help within my power to make each party happy, but always gone unappreciated. No “thank you” or “謝 謝”or “sorry for all the trouble you’ve gone through”. I’m always saying all these but never on the receiving end of such compliments and gratitude. I’m such a safe guy and playing it safe all my life. Sometimes I just wanna let it all out, but the consequences will be disastrous. Tried once and got a heated argument with my dad. It’s not worth in the end. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
I can safely say that I’m a good friend to my close friends, and try my best to be there for them. I hope they felt that too. Your good friend here, really need some loving here, if you are reading this. I don’t need words, just a shoulder to lean on and lots of love. Love, that I can take to the grave with; held closely to my heart. I can forsake love of another woman but I can never do without love from my family and friends (only the closest ones). As I’m growing up, I am slowly realizing that loving another woman is becoming less important, and what I must pursue is, friendship love. The closest kind. The kind that is pure, no prejudice, and ever committed. No storm can waver this bond. I need that. Deep and long-lasting.
I finally learn the true meaning of soulmate. After so many years of watching drama serials and being in so many different relationships (i.e. friendship, family, BGR), the definition is simple. A person whom you will turn to when you in trouble/sad/happy/afraid, and she/he is the 1st person you can think of, way after the honeymoon period. A person whom you can share a meaningful conversation with and feeling no inhibitions when baring your soul. A person who gives meaning to your life and adds value to your existence. A person who knows how to make you tick, emotionally/sexually/physically. Is it very difficult to find here, in Singapore?? It’s sure is, coz I haven’t found mine yet. “YET”, is a good word to use here, meaning there’s still hope of searching during your time on Earth. It may takes a lifetime to find it, but I wouldn’t mind doing that, if it takes me to every corner of the Earth. But I reckon, by the time I reach the 1st corner, I may be too old to reach others.
I think this time round; I’ve really reached my max. With my training on hold, I’m feeling more and more lethargic and having a wandering mind. Thinking too much is certainly bad for health. Don’t know how come all those great man can think so much everyday…hmmmm…I think I’ve to join Serene in Down Under. Hahahah…seriously, I’m contemplating that, but it just doesn’t fit into my schedule. The next plan is, getting a bike and starts cycling and gets my training regime back on track, all at once. I hope I can find the strength (mental) to kick-start all these again. Feeling very drained from thinking about Irene and me. All the permutations/outcomes/consequences are killing me everyday. I just can’t get it out of my system!!
I don’t like to rely people on emotional needs, coz I know they can’t always be around when I need them. I would wallow in self-pity instead of intruding on others. I don’t wanna owe anybody anything. I don’t wanna them to feel obliged to do it for me, just because they are my friend and unable to reject me (coz I’d been there for them). I don’t want that. I DON’T NEED THAT. I just need a friend to have a conversation with and share the good times of the past.
Can you do that?
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