Definitely getting married @ 35!!!

Disappointment, disappointment….it’s written all over my face :(….she didn’t turn out the way I wanted her to be. Firstly, she isn’t the same gal I saw in Facebook. Secondly, she turned out older than I thought!!! She’s at least 32, 33!!! Aaarrggghhh!!!

HOW COME I GOT THE KNACK WITH OLDER WOMEN!!!!!!??????

I just knew that I wouldn’t have scored with a gorgeous, young thing in my lifetime. It’s always been like that all along. I thought I’d broken the curse with her, but apparently it’s still the same…*faint*

I don’t mind the age, but why give people false hopes with that 2 photos!!!!!!???? I knew she played down my expectations of her, but to that extent??!!! It’s too much for me to swallow lah…but now I learnt 2 new things. When a girl doesn’t reveal her age, she’s 90% 30yrs and above. Secondly, when she said she’s normal looking, better believe her words!!! These are the 2 things I’ll remember for LIFE!!!

Besides that, she’s a friendly person (she even shaked my hand when we meet…wah lau!! I’m not your client leh..) and very personable. But the looks department is just very off lah…haiz…at least I met her early, and didn’t leave it too late in the “relationship”. That’s why I soooooooo relaxed with her today. normally, when I’m with a “real” babe, I’m more fake and forced. But with her, I’m totally ME…

I FEEL CHEATED!!!!!!!!!

I think I’m prettier than her today loh!!! At least I resemble 99% of what you see in my photos. Really a major setback for me in the dating field. I just couldn’t shake off the “older women” attraction. It’s not my fault that they keep coming to me….I want a young child-bearing girl!!! Is it too much to ask for???!!!!

Back to the drawing board…………………………………………… sob sob……….

I SCORE A DATE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (PM Mood)

Need I say more??? Hahahaha…I’m totally elated when she finally said YES!!!

I told her a more concrete plan and indeed she went and checked her schedule (no more excuses this time), and it’s either Monday or Tuesday. I got exam on Monday, so she said Tuesday would be better coz of me and the tendency of her clients calling on Monday is higher…so Tuesday will be great. :)

Though she told me it’s ok for now, and not guaranteed…but she said it’s 70% safe. So, I’m praying hard, her jackass clients don’t come calling her for meeting in the middle of our date. Or her office calling as well….*tolong tolong la!!!*

It’s gonna be a simple movie and lunch. But I’m all good for that. Nothing must fail on that day. And I’ll personally see to it. In the back of my mind, I’m already sizing up the location and rehearsing on what topics to say and stuff. I’m even more nervous now than my FYP presentation!! Kekeke…I’m just sooooooo happy la, so bear with it… :p

My plan finally work..i.e. a more firm-up plan, at least let her know when to make time for me is definitely a key to my success. I was banking on this, and if this fails, I’m out of ammo. So, I’m praying hard this date will turn fruition. I really want this to bear fruits man!!!

My mood definitely lightens up after this great, big confirmation. Instantly, I just shine through my smile. Kekekek…don’t think I need to say more, until the date is over and I’ll have more to update….and also, I don’t wanna jinx it by writing too much…I’m pan tang!! :p

*hope nothing will cock up…cross fingers*

Back Off? or Slow Down?? (AM Mood)

I feel that writing is the best form of release for me. I mostly write when I’m depressed, moody or sad. And by the gauge of the frequency I’m writing lately, you can tell that I’m in that state of mind constantly for the last 72 hours.

I have no avenue to turn to, to express my inner feelings except by writing. Thank God for Yati, who hear me out last night, pouring my grievances to her and she received it with love and concern. That’s sweet babe, THANK YOU!!! I don’t wanna blare too much to my friends, as I would be repeating myself over and over again, which will make me evoke that same disgusted feeling a million times. So, here I am, writing about my 1-sided affair with her. *sigh…..*

Sometimes she blow hot, sometimes cold. The 1st 2 days was pretty fiery, but after that, it died down. I was wondering if I’m pushing too hard or what. Like what I gathered from her, she wouldn’t have the slightest clue if a guy is interested in her. Her 6th sense is like off all the time! Hahahah…anyway, it’s really no point mulling over this, over and over again when I didn’t even met her yet. So, I don’t know why I’m writing so much over an unreal person!! *sishh!!...*

I will try again to ask her out for a movie, but this time round I’m gonna give her a title and the time frame. At least she has something to work with. If not, she will keep saying,

“I don’t know leh…there’s too much to do…..I’ll let you know when I can ya.”.

And I’m getting bored and irritated in hearing this too many times, even though, in my heart, it’s true to the bone. I never once doubted her as she showed sincerity and “genuineity”. So, the trust has already formed.

I wanna set my mind straight as soon as possible, so that I can move on to whether she’s the one or not. So, I hope she can give me an answer, or at least a clearer indication of whether we can have a date or not. I’ll only be waiting for that to happen…and I will only be giving myself 3 months to settle this. Yes or No…Easy? Simple? Not very…

*strangely, after spilling out my thoughts, I somehow felt lighter and ready to do battle again. Maybe I can tahan another round.. :p*

How did my folks communicated through their courtship??? Hmmmm…

After writing the post last night, I think I’m getting ahead of myself…being overly enthusiastic and overzealous about this so called courtship. I think I’m too eager to get into a relationship now, that I give my everything to be in one. No holds barred. But is the other party willing, or should I say, it’s all along been a one-sided affair??

Though there’s a tinge of flirting around, but the result wasn’t really sustainable. Coz we only communicate through MSN, and she got no handphone to text or call….so it can be quite depressing for the initial part of courtship. I’m sure given that convenience, I would have been in a better position to make this relationship mine. Everyday, I’m just waiting for her to come online, and for that few hours, I drilled in every inch of my mental strength into it, hoping the friendship will flourish to a meaningful relationship. But she’s online to work, all the time….though it’s clear she doesn’t neglect me, but I’m not getting a strong vibe that she’s REALLY INTO ME. You know that feeling in that tummy, when someone likes you??? Your gut feeling will tell you that, “Ya, she’s into me, alright!!”…but so far, there isn’t. I guess I’m too anxious to fast forward this relationship to blossom, and feeling miserable in the process. This is my one shot to love, and I ain’t gonna give it up, unless she spelled it out loud, that I’m not the one.

So, I’m trying hard to make that 1st date a reality, as soon as possible. As least, after that, we know in our hearts, whether it’s do-able or not. There’s so much flirting around online, it’s killing me not to be able to see her!! Or text her!! All I have is 2 beautifully taken photos…and there’s no frontal shot of it…haiz…different to gauge man.

I’m feel so handicapped without technology these days. No handphone for courtship is a killer! I’m wondering how my folks did it when their time….maybe still use telephone and make arrangements ba. It’s so simple back then, but yet they are still so happy. Haiz……I wonder when will I finally get my shot at that…??

Do I have a shot at love again?

Have been meeting amazing people of late. Namely, Nana and Feme. But Feme is the one that draws my attention the most. Kekeke…hmmm, I’m not sure if I’m being misled, but the feelings felt mutual and sincere. And if the photo is really what it is, then I’m in for a big treat, coz she’s a beauty!! ;) We are both Sagi and share the same type of humor, love peanut pancake and have digestive problems!! Hahahah…anyway, I already put the ball in her court and she seems to taken it, i.e. I’ve asked her out and she promises to work things out. Well, that’s a good sign. :)

I’m pretty sure there’s some sparks and flirting going on between us, and I really hope this relationship will flourish to something I would be proud of. It’s the 1st time I asked a girl (of her calibre) out, and she agreed. So, I guess it’s the start of good things to come. Really REALLY hope our date will come soon, coz I think I’m going crazy just by thinking all the possibility between us. One good thing is, throughout this time, I didn’t think of us breaking up (if we are together), so I guess it’s a very, very good thing. Coz I tend to deviate towards the negative part.

Couldn’t sleep last night after our conversation. Kekeke…I was so hyped up with excitement, and the prospects of meeting her just send the tingles down my spine. I rolled on my bed from 10.30pm, and finally got to lala land at 1am. It’s a good type of insomnia though…hahahah.. :p

Bad part is, she doesn’t have a handphone, so kinda hard to keep in contact with her. So, I can only pray to see her online everyday. That’s our only form of communications. But, she got my number, so let’s just see…… :) (can’t believe it that I gave her my number on our 2nd conversation!!! Sounds despo hor!! :p)

**praying hard she comes online soon and hopefully, we can arrange our date in a couple of weeks time….**

**been floating to work today…standing tall and there’s a spring in my steps. Looking confident and sharp..everything I did today, just went perfect and I couldn’t get mad at anything. :p**

A Great Fortnight...but I'm SICK of my life...

I was reading my past entries and searching for inspiration to write again. And on cue, it came. Hahahha…well, the past 2 weeks had been a hell-raiser. There’s the major event of the year, Soon’s wedding proposal, which I can proudly say, went “smoothly” as it should be. Hahahahahah…There’s hell of a preparation for us. From the scrutiny of details to making impromp-tu wet weather plans. It’s a MASSIVE project!!! Best part is, she didn’t realize it, when in the 1st place we thought she did and made a lot of changes…hahhaahah…that really made us cracked up. :p And the worst part is, I accidentally press the REC button and didn’t record the most important part of the proposal, i.e. the bended knee moment!!!!! SHIT!!! Lucky, we had 2 viewcams, if not, I would never EVER forgive myself.

Everything went well and that was really the highlight of week 36. There were the dinner dates as usual. Nothing fancy, just chat and dine. Lotsa laughter and smiles and good people. This left me wondering how long will this last. And right on, my calendar is blank for the month of September. Hahahaha…there isn’t any concrete plans marked out except for luncheon with Agnes. And besides that, I’m totally open. How I wish I can score a date with someone. At least that could bring some spice to my lonesome month. How I wish I can get that 1st date feeling of adrenaline pumping, hearting racing, back in my life…it’s soooooo hard…. :(

I wonder what it takes to score a date with someone meaningful…and if so, where can I find such people. Singaporean girls are just damn stuck up la. No wonder guys are turning their heads abroad. Don’t blame us, check out yourselves ladies…To be fair, it’s only a handful, and I’m very sure the rest of our local babes are equally great. But it’s THAT handful, that spoil market loh…aarrrgghhh!!!

I think I should stop listening to sappy Korean songs and start listening to MJ again. It’s zapping the life juice out of me!!! Feeling all emotional again…sian loh…I NEED LOVE!!!

Regrettably, I know I’m spreading my love to whoever I meet, and mostly to people who are “impossible” (but I keep meeting them!!! NOT MY FAULT!!). I think I’m so desperate to date, that I tap on anyone who interest me. I reckon that would lead to retribution…hahahahaha…well, I’m just sour that my status quo is so unreal and needs to be changed fast! And deep down, I know these people will not forsake their current lives to be with me, which I totally respect and envy. And also, deep down, I know Ms C will never go out on a date with me, even though she said, “I would love to but……” blah blah…all rubbish to me…She doesn’t wanna make empty promises and I know why, coz it will not look good on her and make her a liar. So, she’s just covering her own backside…CLEVER!!! *sssish!!!* I’m beginning to want to part ways, as things are not working out as well I wanted it to be. There’s only love from me and not from her. So, that’s what EMA is all about…I’m learning this 1st hand. It’s the 1st time the affair gets lousier treatment than the main lead. Hahahaha…movies/dramas not like that show wan leh…kekekeekek… :p

Anyway, I just hope something bright will happen in the last quarter of 09, and forget the 1st half of the year. If not, I think I would need a miracle to lift me out of this slump…as what Yati puts it, “if I can survive a divorce, I can survive anything!” hahahha…I need my babe in shining armor. WHERE ARE YOU??????

I deserve better. I need to put myself in perspective now. I need to get a grip of myself!!!!

I think I suffered quite a bit in the love life, that I warrant a bit of leeway rite??? I’m now in TWO bloody 3rd-party-position relationship, and I don’t wanna have any part of it anymore!! I’m not getting the love that I truly deserve and I’m sure that’s what YOU want me to feel right?? I get what you mean now, so please let me off the hook ya???……I’m really suffering deep inside. I know you know it, soooooooo please don’t do this to me anymore!!!!!!! I surrender myself to you now. I CAN’T TAKE THIS NO MORE……..I can’t hold this façade any longer….I’m tired and fatigued from all the faces I put up…

I need a long rest………..