Another emo-moment for me. As I’m writing this, I’m listening to Officially Missing You by Janice & Sonia and I realized loving someone ain’t so easy anymore. When you’re of marriageable age, you can’t love anyone anymore. You gotta plan for the future and whether this girl/guy is the one for you. You gotta screen the person to the DNA, and I’m dead serious!! Hahahah…to me, it is lah. I gotta know her family profiles, their medical background, her own health status, career, financial planning…blah blah…so it’s quite a major headache when you think of it.
I guess I’m just a worrier. I think and worry too much. I can no longer go with the flow. Time ain’t on my side man. 26 going on 27. It ain’t much but it’s 1 step further into adulthood, and it’s time I make more permanent decisions. For instance, my career. It’s not going anywhere and job hopping ain’t gonna help in the long run. I’m even contemplating to move overseas for work. A fresh start and the slower pace might be better for me, who knows?! I seek simpler life and starting a family there would be a nice addition to the picture. :)
It’s been a roller coaster ever since the annulment. It’s even more topsy turvy now than ever. Hahahah…everyone been asking why I’m still going out with Irene, and my response has always been the same. But deep down, of course I know she’s still holding out for me, but I’m can’t reciprocate the love. It’s a struggle for me too, coz I can’t avoid her and she’s always there when you needed someone, for movies, dinners etc. So, who can I turn to, when all my friends are attached??!! And they still have the gall to ask me, “why you still going out with her?”…humbug!! Sometimes, seeing a familiar face makes my worries go away, so she’s the next best thing. I wanted to shun her, but it’s just not right. We can still be good friends though. So what’s going on in her mind is totally beyond my control…
Yesterday, I was flipping through our courtship photos by accident. I was so much flesh-er!! Hahahah…and we looked so good together. :)…Thoughts ran wild, but I don’t wanna see myself becoming the monster again. Sometimes, I wish she didn’t meet me. Or, I didn’t go clubbing on the fateful night. Everything will definitely be different and who knows, she might already become a mummy. I guess, it’s her worst decision to have met me. Utterly waste of time..a time of her prime. If I can return that 3 years to her, I would…plus interest.
Though I kept complaining on having no girlfriend, I’m not even sure I’m up for it again. The whole courtship process, the whole getting-to-know-a-new-person process, is such a pain in the ass. I gotta fact find everything again, though I know I would be happy to do it if I’m in love with her. But it’s still a chore lah!! A whole new adaptation to one another’s habits, peeves, culture, can be very taxing. Falling in love can actually be very tiring and mental straining. All the chemical reactions in our body are going crazy just because of this attraction. It’s amazing, but is it worth it when all that reactions stop??
So when the perfect one comes along, what would my reaction be…………???
another sweetest temptation
9:42 PM
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Run for Life
Finally succumbed to the temptation of NOT running. Kekeek…coz the omen is so CLEAR!! C is going jogging…I saw my folks jogging…and I even saw my friend, ALL at the same day!!….so it’s a sign that I must run loh. hahahah…but I think I misread it, coz I sustain injuries even before I started running. I strained my back when stretching and during the run, I strained the muscles behind my left knee. Wah lau, just 7km and I kana so many injuries. Bo hua man…but I felt refreshed after that..so naturally, I slept well too. :)
The up side is, my appetite increased and ate like a pig!! Hahahah…next stop, wine feast tomorrow with Jo…yayz!!! ;)
another sweetest temptation
10:00 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Withdrawal Part II...
Saw a young Korean girl on the way back, and it immediately triggered my memories with my yobo. :( I’m still not adjusting back to reality and life without her. Give me time….lots of it.
I’m listening to Korean songs just to feel her presence here with me. It transports me back to our past events. Nice feelings all over… :) well, I guess she’s been a part of my life so long, that she truly meant something to me. Kudos to her, that I have the songs that she gave me…muack!!!
This feeling of missing her will fade eventually, but I know it just went deeper into my heart and missing her more. ;) Our memories will bring sooooo much more meaning in time to come. :)
another sweetest temptation
3:36 PM
Withdrawal...
The activities in October had brought a great beginning to the month. Mostly it surrounds around Heejung, coz she’s leaving us and back to Korea. Time passes extremely fast the last 14 days. Before I know it, it’s her last 24 hours here…sob sob.. :( The emotions ran high for me, and practically I have no mood for work yesterday. I wanted to take leave but coz of my family dinner, there’s really no point. Somehow, I regretted it but it’s over…so no point crying over this. It’s the 1st time I feel sad when someone is leaving for good. I think it’s bcoz I know when she comes back, it will only be visiting and not permanently. So, I guess I didn’t get the same feeling when Yanfen or Jo left for Aussie in the past.
We really bonded tightly the last 2 weeks. Whenever there’s an empty slot in my calendar, I would think of her and meet up for dinner or something. Our friendship has accelerated and brought us close and I already started to miss her when I know I can’t see her till next May. Work was definitely not on my mind yesterday. There are only images of her. She’s been a great friend and I will never gonna forget her. Though I told her I will cry but I didn’t. The tears were welled up inside me and it showed on my face. There’s sadness written all over. But she kept her cool and smiled. Coz she knows we will meet again. That’s so philosophical, but I agree with a tinge of reluctance. I know she’s sad but she held it back, coz once it’s out, there’s no holding her back. I still sent her sms after we left and hoping she’s connected and indeed she was. She called and I was so darn happy!!!! We chatted a few and I know she’s gonna be ok, so that’s how it ended. :) I just wanted her to stay with us forever, here in Singapore….sob sob…
We all know she will leave one day, but I always hope that day will never come. As I’m writing this, the sadness is still in me, deeply not wanting to let her go. We hugged and I almost didn’t wanna let go coz I know it will be our last. I’m just reminiscing our good times and how it will be when we meet up again…definitely there will be longer hugs and kisses!!!
I know why Agatha doesn’t like the airport. Seeing your loved ones off is 1 of the hardest things. I HATE IT!!!
Till the next meeting my dear friend…yobo, WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE!!!!…I LOVE YOU!!!! Come back soon ok….!!!
another sweetest temptation
3:31 PM
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Definitely getting married @ 35!!!
Disappointment, disappointment….it’s written all over my face :(….she didn’t turn out the way I wanted her to be. Firstly, she isn’t the same gal I saw in Facebook. Secondly, she turned out older than I thought!!! She’s at least 32, 33!!! Aaarrggghhh!!!
HOW COME I GOT THE KNACK WITH OLDER WOMEN!!!!!!??????
I just knew that I wouldn’t have scored with a gorgeous, young thing in my lifetime. It’s always been like that all along. I thought I’d broken the curse with her, but apparently it’s still the same…*faint*
I don’t mind the age, but why give people false hopes with that 2 photos!!!!!!???? I knew she played down my expectations of her, but to that extent??!!! It’s too much for me to swallow lah…but now I learnt 2 new things. When a girl doesn’t reveal her age, she’s 90% 30yrs and above. Secondly, when she said she’s normal looking, better believe her words!!! These are the 2 things I’ll remember for LIFE!!!
Besides that, she’s a friendly person (she even shaked my hand when we meet…wah lau!! I’m not your client leh..) and very personable. But the looks department is just very off lah…haiz…at least I met her early, and didn’t leave it too late in the “relationship”. That’s why I soooooooo relaxed with her today. normally, when I’m with a “real” babe, I’m more fake and forced. But with her, I’m totally ME…
I FEEL CHEATED!!!!!!!!!
I think I’m prettier than her today loh!!! At least I resemble 99% of what you see in my photos. Really a major setback for me in the dating field. I just couldn’t shake off the “older women” attraction. It’s not my fault that they keep coming to me….I want a young child-bearing girl!!! Is it too much to ask for???!!!!
Back to the drawing board…………………………………………… sob sob……….
another sweetest temptation
6:56 PM
Friday, September 25, 2009
I SCORE A DATE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (PM Mood)
Need I say more??? Hahahaha…I’m totally elated when she finally said YES!!!
I told her a more concrete plan and indeed she went and checked her schedule (no more excuses this time), and it’s either Monday or Tuesday. I got exam on Monday, so she said Tuesday would be better coz of me and the tendency of her clients calling on Monday is higher…so Tuesday will be great. :)
Though she told me it’s ok for now, and not guaranteed…but she said it’s 70% safe. So, I’m praying hard, her jackass clients don’t come calling her for meeting in the middle of our date. Or her office calling as well….*tolong tolong la!!!*
It’s gonna be a simple movie and lunch. But I’m all good for that. Nothing must fail on that day. And I’ll personally see to it. In the back of my mind, I’m already sizing up the location and rehearsing on what topics to say and stuff. I’m even more nervous now than my FYP presentation!! Kekeke…I’m just sooooooo happy la, so bear with it… :p
My plan finally work..i.e. a more firm-up plan, at least let her know when to make time for me is definitely a key to my success. I was banking on this, and if this fails, I’m out of ammo. So, I’m praying hard this date will turn fruition. I really want this to bear fruits man!!!
My mood definitely lightens up after this great, big confirmation. Instantly, I just shine through my smile. Kekekek…don’t think I need to say more, until the date is over and I’ll have more to update….and also, I don’t wanna jinx it by writing too much…I’m pan tang!! :p
*hope nothing will cock up…cross fingers*
another sweetest temptation
10:39 PM
Back Off? or Slow Down?? (AM Mood)
I feel that writing is the best form of release for me. I mostly write when I’m depressed, moody or sad. And by the gauge of the frequency I’m writing lately, you can tell that I’m in that state of mind constantly for the last 72 hours.
I have no avenue to turn to, to express my inner feelings except by writing. Thank God for Yati, who hear me out last night, pouring my grievances to her and she received it with love and concern. That’s sweet babe, THANK YOU!!! I don’t wanna blare too much to my friends, as I would be repeating myself over and over again, which will make me evoke that same disgusted feeling a million times. So, here I am, writing about my 1-sided affair with her. *sigh…..*
Sometimes she blow hot, sometimes cold. The 1st 2 days was pretty fiery, but after that, it died down. I was wondering if I’m pushing too hard or what. Like what I gathered from her, she wouldn’t have the slightest clue if a guy is interested in her. Her 6th sense is like off all the time! Hahahah…anyway, it’s really no point mulling over this, over and over again when I didn’t even met her yet. So, I don’t know why I’m writing so much over an unreal person!! *sishh!!...*
I will try again to ask her out for a movie, but this time round I’m gonna give her a title and the time frame. At least she has something to work with. If not, she will keep saying,
“I don’t know leh…there’s too much to do…..I’ll let you know when I can ya.”.
And I’m getting bored and irritated in hearing this too many times, even though, in my heart, it’s true to the bone. I never once doubted her as she showed sincerity and “genuineity”. So, the trust has already formed.
I wanna set my mind straight as soon as possible, so that I can move on to whether she’s the one or not. So, I hope she can give me an answer, or at least a clearer indication of whether we can have a date or not. I’ll only be waiting for that to happen…and I will only be giving myself 3 months to settle this. Yes or No…Easy? Simple? Not very…
*strangely, after spilling out my thoughts, I somehow felt lighter and ready to do battle again. Maybe I can tahan another round.. :p*
another sweetest temptation
10:37 PM
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
How did my folks communicated through their courtship??? Hmmmm…
After writing the post last night, I think I’m getting ahead of myself…being overly enthusiastic and overzealous about this so called courtship. I think I’m too eager to get into a relationship now, that I give my everything to be in one. No holds barred. But is the other party willing, or should I say, it’s all along been a one-sided affair??
Though there’s a tinge of flirting around, but the result wasn’t really sustainable. Coz we only communicate through MSN, and she got no handphone to text or call….so it can be quite depressing for the initial part of courtship. I’m sure given that convenience, I would have been in a better position to make this relationship mine. Everyday, I’m just waiting for her to come online, and for that few hours, I drilled in every inch of my mental strength into it, hoping the friendship will flourish to a meaningful relationship. But she’s online to work, all the time….though it’s clear she doesn’t neglect me, but I’m not getting a strong vibe that she’s REALLY INTO ME. You know that feeling in that tummy, when someone likes you??? Your gut feeling will tell you that, “Ya, she’s into me, alright!!”…but so far, there isn’t. I guess I’m too anxious to fast forward this relationship to blossom, and feeling miserable in the process. This is my one shot to love, and I ain’t gonna give it up, unless she spelled it out loud, that I’m not the one.
So, I’m trying hard to make that 1st date a reality, as soon as possible. As least, after that, we know in our hearts, whether it’s do-able or not. There’s so much flirting around online, it’s killing me not to be able to see her!! Or text her!! All I have is 2 beautifully taken photos…and there’s no frontal shot of it…haiz…different to gauge man.
I’m feel so handicapped without technology these days. No handphone for courtship is a killer! I’m wondering how my folks did it when their time….maybe still use telephone and make arrangements ba. It’s so simple back then, but yet they are still so happy. Haiz……I wonder when will I finally get my shot at that…??
another sweetest temptation
9:14 PM
