Monday, June 27, 2011

Not Good In Anything (p.s. not emo..)

Sometimes I just feel that I'm not good in anything. I'm mediocre in everything I do, be it studies, sports or work. Even in relationships, I'm just as good as everyone else! Been 10 years on, and I still can't find my niche. It's really REALLY taking its toil mentally and getting FRUSTRATING!!! :(


I don't ask for much. I just wanna be good in one thing. Just ONE! At least when I passes on, everyone will remember me for something. Something tangible, and that I contributed to society in someway.


I'm perfectly happy with being a passer-by in life, but I do hope to be someone who has his own skills, niche and what have you. Not good in something really bug me since secondary school days. I thought by growing up will help me find my niche, but I was wrong. I'm still aimless and useless as before!!! lol...


Scoring As in the bedroom department doesn't mean a thing if your life is a bottomless pit of self pity and aimlessness. I kept asking myself these questions: "What have I achieve in my life so far?; What is my purpose on this planet?; Do I have what it takes to survive this lifetime?; Will I be living my dying days, alone???"...All these questions keep surfacing in my mind from time to time during my "reflection sessions", and it's scary.


I'm not sure when my pathetic lifestyle gonna end, but I'm trying my best to kick it away. Starting from today.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Moodless, Emotional Driven..

I have been wanting to blog but never knew what to write and when I have the heart to jot it down, I'm either out or not accessible to my PC. zzzzzzz......But I want to blog would only be matters of the heart. Nothing would trouble me so much than that. Not even work related issues. Nothing come close.

I don't know where to start where you have all these thoughts flying in your head all the time. The ideas are all disorganised and in pieces. I can literally go on for hours, writing the same old matter, which I feel it's just lame. By writing will only make you realise the problems ain't that big and you just need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. I just need one ingredient to solve all this: Courage.

Things had spun out of hand a couple of weeks ago and it had simmer down to a slow boil and more manageable. But I'm getting frustrated by her swing in decisions and it's really getting into me. Patch back or split, you just tell me. Don't make my head spin, for goodness sake!! I'm really had it!!

It's my fault and I take the full blame, but decision making still lie wholly on her. I really want her to make a rational decision before she gets paranoid all her time with me. Before she gets crazy, maybe I'll go bonkers first. tsk tsk....

I know I shouldn't lose my temper, but her emotional swings are so extreme that I can't grapple with it. Once in a while, I can understand. But she can swing a couple of times in a day, and that it's tough to manage! I've been trying to understand her mood, but it's still difficult to deal with. If I were her, I would have broken off with me after discovery of the matter. No questions asked.

I know she cherish the relationship, that's why she's holding on for so long. But my heart ain't the same after the break-up in initiated in February. I force my heart to die 4 months ago. That's why I was quite reluctant to patch back. I was weak and now, I hurt her because of that. My fault, totally. :(

What I can do now is playing by the ear. I'm not sure what is install for us in the coming weeks, but I hope we can have a conclusion soon. I hope I have the strength to make the right decision for myself and for her. I only want her to overcome this and gain her foothold in life again. I made her this way, and I feel compelled to make her stand again. But whether she will allow me to help her is totally another issue.