Saturday, June 26, 2010

It's Coming to an End.......

Why am I doing this to myself??? I’m really asking for it….I reckon there’ll be no sympathy from anyone coz they already told me the hard facts and still I lunge in into this near impossible relationship.


I’m really at my breaking point now……I need someone to talk to. I need advice. I need a listening ear. I need a leaning shoulder….Why am I doing this to myself???


I’m tired now. I can’t find strength to carry this relationship further. It’s affecting my work, my life and everything I do I can’t find the same enthusiasm. :(


Maybe the time is up for me to give up after 4 months of intensive hard work. Hard work mainly on my part. She did try, but maybe it just died down or not up to my mark. I just can’t feel it anymore. Whatever it is, I simply can’t find any reasons to move on with her. She blows hot and cold. And I can never know her true feelings and thoughts. She’s an enigma.


I’m just trying to make each passing day as happy as can be, but the strength to smile is diminishing by the minute. I can’t force myself to smile as radiantly as before. It will be hypocritical to say I’m very happy and see how each day brings us. I don’t want a short term relationship. It would simply be wasting my time and hers as well. She may never wanna get married again, but I do. So, maybe it’s time to let go and move on. I’ve not be able to get the same commitment since Day 1 and I may never get it in Day 100. I’ll be lying to myself and thinking she would, but the effect is slow and time waits for no man. I’m impatient and want things my way, but with her, I can’t. Things can never happen the way I want it to be. Plans will change or postpone, which I’m still trying to grasp the notion of “going with the flow”. I wanna go by schedule, by timeline for once….


I may be laid-back, but not as laid-back to the effects of non-planning. I HATE IT!!!! I HATE LAST MINUTE CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There’s no planning together, but only me alone. Everything is planned and executed by ME…ALONE…!!! I’m not calculative, but I just want her to get involved in the planning stage. It will do a whole lot good for the relationship. Get involved or get prepared to be shipped out!!


She’s so nonchalant about everything involving us, whereas, with her friends or family, she’s so hands-on and responsive. Am I such an easy person to be bullied??? That’s why they say, “Good guys always finish last” and ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. Can’t some nice girl come forth into my life and give me the same happiness that I would grant her???

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

New Relationship, New Commitment, New Goals

It's been a longgggggg while since my last post. kekekeek...sorry 2 my girlfriends who are so eager to know what's going on in my life of late. Well, long story short, you girls should know I'm attached now and we are just inseparable. hahahaah... :p We're both happy and it's improving with each passing day. I really hope she's the one and I'll be the one who would reopen her "factory". Cool!!! ;)
Well, I'm just writing to keep 1 post per month quota...kekeek :p If you girls wanna know more, just log on to facebook and my status is usually talking about us....so, keep in touch babes ;) love ya!!! muacckkss!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Valentine's: The LOVE of All Evil????

For weeks, the thoughts in my mind have been pouncing up and down like the Tiger, that took over the Ox in February. Somehow or rather, my confidence level had dipped to the lowest in recent times. I had no idea what triggered it, but it just happened. And I believe having a modest paycheck and the increasing in years on Earth, have a major part to play in it.

I even seeked divine advice on career changes and I was given the green light to stay put in insurance and not return back to shipping with my tail between the legs. I guess, all along I know the answer, but I just need “someone” to affirm that decision. I really felt more at ease after visiting the temple. She showed me the way and I really appreciate it. :)…and for all God’s grace, I asked about my love life as well. Hahahahah…I really don’t wanna die old alone, man!! Anyway, the Gods are shining on me for this request too. So, it’s not too bad and I should have some sort of a Good relationship in years to come. When?? I don’t know…but I know it will come, eventually… :p

Started the long weekend with a “Pre-Valentine’s” lunch with Nana. And well, it wasn’t formal, just lunch. Surprisingly, both bought chocolates for one another. :p I was really surprised by that gesture…hmmmm…I think I might have pondered too deep into that gift, but STILL, it was a nice feeling. :) I'm not sure whether she wants to go into a relationship or not, coz I couldn’t sense anything from her…there wasn’t any clear signals. No body language that gives me the “go-ahead”. So, I shall just bid for my time to come….or maybe move on to another target. Coz eventually, I know she’s not the one…she’s just there at the right place at the right time, but with the wrong person. I don’t want another merry-go-round and disrupt one another’s life. Anyway, I might still play by the ear….no hard feelings baby ;)

You can see from the way I write that, I’m really a freaking contradict. On one hand I wanted this, but on the other, I’m not. I such an asshole sometimes…!!!

I guess I wanted companionship. That’s all. But the girls that entered my life ain’t what I’m looking for. And it’s damn difficult to find the right one…or maybe, there isn’t the RIGHT ONE!! Haiz….isn’t being idealistic in love a romantic thing?? But in real life, the best just ain’t good enough, coz there’s always better ones that will come along and disrupt your life and make your mind go haywire!!!!!

Like what my friends said, I should lower my expectations. But I already lowered!!! Anymore lower, I can just get hitched with any girl I see within the next 30 seconds!! I would still like to think there’s someone outside, perfect for me. I just have to wait. Unlike in the movies, I can’t fast forward to reveal who she is, but I can wait for another 5 years, and that’s about it dude..By then, if Ms Right still isn’t in sight, I might just stay single…. ;)

It’s all about love, happiness & money in the last few weeks or so. My emotions fluctuate between cloud 9 and hell. It’s really unstable..I can only flirt so much, and at the end of the day, I still need someone to lean on and called her my greatest love.

Are you out there…….somewhere???

Sunday, January 17, 2010

2010...

It’s the start to the new year, while others termed it the next decade. Well, it’s a long shot to what will happen in the next 10 years, but I will make do with it. Taking each day as it comes is the biggest accomplishment for me. No point planning and not fulfilling it. And most importantly, living life to its fullest. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s dead true…so people, LIVE LIFE. ;)

I didn’t do my year-end post coz my schedule was packed and there’s no inspiration for me to write anyway, even though lots happened. Had a fantastic glitter X’mas with me in full make-up galore and NYE was great as well, i.e. spending time with Soon having a heart-to-heart talk till dawn. That was awesome!! :)

I just feel obliged to write my 1st post for the year in the 1st month before it slips by me again. Kekekeek…oh well, here’s the dirty stuff (but I know you girls love it..hahahah) for the last 5 weeks or so…

It was a great December with activities leading up to X’mas. NYE was kinda of a letdown, but the people didn’t. So, that more or less make up for it. Then came 1 Jan, and everything was normal with me hanging out with my gang and Kelvin having fun, food and drinks. And I should fast forward to the last 24 hours….been feeling down with money issue and I can’t cope with myself drawing such a pathetic salary!! Been spending A LOT for this past few weeks and I can literally see my bank account dwindling fast!! It’s like, I’m spending $1,600 in this month alone!!! Mind you, that’s my entire month’s salary!!!! There’re the credit card bills, mobile, gatherings, prezzies, and I just have to buy Irene another birthday gift. Me and my big mouth!!!! Anyway, what bought can’t be undone, so just be it. This coming weeks, I just have to survive on hawker food and home-cooked. So, no more fast-food and drinking session (if I can help it..). Gonna come back everyday, and do my runs. At least, when I’m broke, I can have a fit body.

Beginning to think I’m a loser. So much so that I’m going mad. And I don’t have to think hard to realize at the age of 27, I don’t have anything in life. No career, no girlfriend, no money, no cards, no car, no house, no NOTHING!!! I seriously have to consider my career path now, before it’s too late to salvage anything. It’s either insurance or shipping. There’s no 2 ways about it. If not, I’ll consider applying for the Operations Manager under MOE. Well, we shall see again in 3 months time..Anyway, I’m sure the bonus gonna sucks and the increment, peanuts. Let’s face it, how much will 1.25 months bonus and 3% increment bring you to???!!! It’s definitely not heaven, sweetie. I miss shipping and the fatty bonus slapped in your face..

So, I’ll not hold back to send out resumes again. I can’t live with such pay structure anymore. Now, should be a good time to find back my roots and stick it in deep.

It’s not about being emotional, but it’s the facts of life. People of this world see your job title, salary and your material possession with great importance. IT MATTERS!!!!!!! I don’t even dare reveal to people my job title when asked, it’s shitty!! It’s a honest day’s work, but the feeling just sucked!!

I don’t know what I want in life, in terms of career, but I just wanna find a niche I’m good in…and fuckingly, I’m still finding…!!

Well, what a “good” way to end January and set the tone for February. If anyone’s gonna ask me what I work as, I’ll just act blur. It’s nothing glam but nothing low-class. But I just don’t like it.