Getting emotional again…by the way I’m writing, I know it’s gonna be a damn long posting of me and my twirly, whirly roller coaster ride of sian-ness. Haiz….lost my edge again. For the umpteen times, I lost interest in love AGAIN.
Last night, though was a fun outing, I couldn’t swallow it down when they tell C that tonight gonna be a baby-making night coz she drank a lot. It just not right when you hear such things. It all boils down to jealousy. But, WHO AM I TO HARBOR SUCH FEELINGS??!! At that point of time, I just wanna go home and hide myself under the sheets. I felt limp all of a sudden. I lost interest in winning money, and my laughter becomes very superficial. And to think, I have to listen to such things over the course of the night, it’s a torture!
I felt like crying bcoz, why do I have to go through all these..??!! I’m eligible enough to find a single girl, but nooooo, I have to find those with other martial status in the dictionary. I’m just a man slut!!…Throughout the night, I was just hallucinating about how I would find a nice girl, settling down and put this behind me….all the way till I reached home. But it’s still a fantasy. I think I really don’t deserve such happiness anymore. Not ever since I destroyed someone else’s. I reckon this is what you called, trials and tribulations.
It was so near, but we couldn’t even share a single word. Not even a “Hi”. It was really dumb that we had to resort to sending text to one another. Even CW shared a moment with her. And I’m even dumb enough to think I would be able to share a private moment with her, even for a few minutes in the prelude to this retreat. I was really naïve. 27 years on and still thinking there’s a prefect outcome. Where the fuck have I been all this time??!!!!!! Fairy tales don’t come true. GET A GRIP!!!
Seriously, I don’t know why I even bothered about this thingy. It’s really non-communicable, non-physical and we don’t even date!!! What kind of affair is it??!! Is there a name for it???!!!
Ya, there is. It’s called, “Get-a-life-and-get-yourself-a-woman syndrome”. In Chinese saying, simply put it…fan jian.
So this is how it feels like. A 2nd class citizen. I don’t think it’s even befitting to categorize me in that class. I’m worst than that. I’m like, 2nd class in a 3rd world country. Poor of the poorest. Totally rid of my dignity, pride and manhood. There ain’t anything worst than that.
I officially lost hope in love, and finding anyone in my lifetime. I’m sooo done with it.
Tears welling, heart aching, body quivering. Is that what I should be feeling, for being in the position I’m in now? Or should I be feeling otherwise?
I honestly need a love guru right now. hahahahah…I’m so bad in regaining my self-esteem right now, that everything is so meaningless to me at this very instance. I hadn’t had this feeling in ages. Not ever since the thought of annulling came to me. It’s a tough choice and bothered me in the months that came. This could take at least 6 months before I can regain my foothold and gain faith again. I’m so drama, but it’s true. I think Su can relate to me, perfectly. Coz she’s a drama queen too!! Kekekek… :p
If this event can’t even get us talking, I don’t know what will. It should be clear to me all along, but I just refuse to take off that blind in front of me. But now, I think I know what I should do. Doing so much, but gaining nothing. A BIG FAT ZERO. Not even a hug, let along a kiss.
Brain waves:
***stop torturing yourself Nick!!! She ain’t worth all that trouble. Focus your energy on someone who’s worth all your love and passion. Go out and meet new girls and have the guts to talk to them/date them. Have balls my friend!! Stop wallowing up in self-pity. Be a man!***
Last night, though was a fun outing, I couldn’t swallow it down when they tell C that tonight gonna be a baby-making night coz she drank a lot. It just not right when you hear such things. It all boils down to jealousy. But, WHO AM I TO HARBOR SUCH FEELINGS??!! At that point of time, I just wanna go home and hide myself under the sheets. I felt limp all of a sudden. I lost interest in winning money, and my laughter becomes very superficial. And to think, I have to listen to such things over the course of the night, it’s a torture!
I felt like crying bcoz, why do I have to go through all these..??!! I’m eligible enough to find a single girl, but nooooo, I have to find those with other martial status in the dictionary. I’m just a man slut!!…Throughout the night, I was just hallucinating about how I would find a nice girl, settling down and put this behind me….all the way till I reached home. But it’s still a fantasy. I think I really don’t deserve such happiness anymore. Not ever since I destroyed someone else’s. I reckon this is what you called, trials and tribulations.
It was so near, but we couldn’t even share a single word. Not even a “Hi”. It was really dumb that we had to resort to sending text to one another. Even CW shared a moment with her. And I’m even dumb enough to think I would be able to share a private moment with her, even for a few minutes in the prelude to this retreat. I was really naïve. 27 years on and still thinking there’s a prefect outcome. Where the fuck have I been all this time??!!!!!! Fairy tales don’t come true. GET A GRIP!!!
Seriously, I don’t know why I even bothered about this thingy. It’s really non-communicable, non-physical and we don’t even date!!! What kind of affair is it??!! Is there a name for it???!!!
Ya, there is. It’s called, “Get-a-life-and-get-yourself-a-woman syndrome”. In Chinese saying, simply put it…fan jian.
So this is how it feels like. A 2nd class citizen. I don’t think it’s even befitting to categorize me in that class. I’m worst than that. I’m like, 2nd class in a 3rd world country. Poor of the poorest. Totally rid of my dignity, pride and manhood. There ain’t anything worst than that.
I officially lost hope in love, and finding anyone in my lifetime. I’m sooo done with it.
Tears welling, heart aching, body quivering. Is that what I should be feeling, for being in the position I’m in now? Or should I be feeling otherwise?
I honestly need a love guru right now. hahahahah…I’m so bad in regaining my self-esteem right now, that everything is so meaningless to me at this very instance. I hadn’t had this feeling in ages. Not ever since the thought of annulling came to me. It’s a tough choice and bothered me in the months that came. This could take at least 6 months before I can regain my foothold and gain faith again. I’m so drama, but it’s true. I think Su can relate to me, perfectly. Coz she’s a drama queen too!! Kekekek… :p
If this event can’t even get us talking, I don’t know what will. It should be clear to me all along, but I just refuse to take off that blind in front of me. But now, I think I know what I should do. Doing so much, but gaining nothing. A BIG FAT ZERO. Not even a hug, let along a kiss.
Brain waves:
***stop torturing yourself Nick!!! She ain’t worth all that trouble. Focus your energy on someone who’s worth all your love and passion. Go out and meet new girls and have the guts to talk to them/date them. Have balls my friend!! Stop wallowing up in self-pity. Be a man!***
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