It’s the 4th day, and it’s tough alright. Sleep wasn’t as sweet as it used to be, and waking up in the wee hours had been a norm. Either shaken up from a dream or found myself crying till I wake up. It’s so real, but I know it wasn’t.
I know the decision I took is harsh for her, but eventually I know it’s the fairest way for her and she definitely deserve better. Deep down I know I can’t give her the full happiness that she truly deserves, and more problems will definitely prop up in the future. Most probably, the same issues repeating itself in the arguments.
After been through 2 fantastic relationships, I finally know what a person I am in a relationship and the behavior I would portray during the course of the courtship. That’s why my conclusion for my life is, not to engage into another relationship ever again. EVER!!
I hate seeing the girl hurt and going through the emotional roller coaster because of me. It’s the worst feeling ever! I did say in every relationship that I only give her happiness and the tears that they will shed, will only be happy tears. Maybe like what I perceived of my lifetime, I should stay away from girls unless I know I can give them a lifetime of happiness instead of a short term one.
After what I had been through, I truly know the real, deeper meaning of love and how relationship is supposed to be run. I shouldn’t keep changing her wholesale but to love her for who she really is, coz that’s what both of them did for me. It makes me feels really small and insignificant. If she can overlook my flaws, why can’t I??? I believe that’s the thing that keeps me from enjoying myself in a relationship, and once I can embrace that, I believe I can fall in love again. But it’s gonna be a long process, and it may never come true. So, singlehood is the way to go for now.
I realized I’m as selfish as any other person but I didn’t know the degree of selfishness I have in me until I went through the relationships. Selfish by not letting the person into my life fully. Subconsciously, I’m doing that all the time. I’m still very protective of my own privacy and free time. Anyone crosses that boundary, I’ll be pissed off. And when she told me the about the same thing, I couldn’t agree more. For the 2 relationships that matters to me most, I didn’t really immersed myself fully into the relationship (even though I thought I did). I’m just lousy…so in that sense, I didn’t put in enough effort into the relationships.
Many issues surfaced and spiraling inside my head, and I’m trying to kill it all with 1 single blow. Even after this break-up, the issues that “belong” to me, need to be rectified by myself before embarking into another relationship. I reckon that will be the biggest challenge of my life.
Though sad, I take away many valuable lessons and I feel heartened, I did what I had to do, before she takes it even worst if the relationship takes deeper roots. It’s a harsh reality, but I hope she will see the true intention of me doing this. She will find her own happiness after “cleansing” herself in this relationship, and bringing with her new values and lessons for her next one. :)
I would always love her and I know I wouldn’t deserve any love in this lifetime, coz my calling is to spread it and not owning it. ;)
I said that long ago, and I’m repeating it again. I’m really beginning to believe I’m a cupid in disguise… :)
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