The Aftermath

Late Posting dated 4 Mar 08:

I’d said it. Done it. Everything was settled there and then. I can sense her agony on salvaging this relationship/marriage all by herself and still bear no fruit. I can understand the pain and anguish that comes with it. She cannot come to terms with it, but it’s a necessary evil. Somehow or rather, I’m single again and she, with an emotional baggage.

I’m disappointed things have to be done this way rather than the good old “face to face” talk. I can’t bear to see her sad face with “please don’t leave me alone” and “please don’t abandon me” look, and I’ll just crumble and give in to the situation again. I don’t want that to happen again and be firm this time round, hence the method of communication, i.e. via msn.

Her state of mind is my main worry. Until last night, I thought she would be at home, doing stuff. But in actually fact, she told me she was out roaming last night till 11+. I didn’t called her, knowing she might break down and I can’t hear her cries so late at night. For I myself, might break down as well. Anyway, we converse via sms and she made me think I’m very cruel for doing this to her. There’s nothing I can reply to her, but to swallow this down and let the world knows I’m the bad guy. There’s no better way now. Or simply, I have no more tricks up my sleeves! I’m at wit’s end. I’m no prophet at managing break-ups and relationships, so….don’t expect me to give subtle answers and 100% politically harmless replies and make you feel good. In fact, I’m wanna do the opposite. I want you to be sad, and lose hope in me…

She will be much better off without me. Honestly! From the time we got married, I can safely say, I have not been good to you. So, by leaving me, you are actually do good for my karma as well :_( I don’t want to treat you badly anymore!! So please leave me ok…It will be with deep sorrows when it eventually comes true. I want you to find a better man who can love you wholeheartedly and protect you your whole life. A man who can truly fulfill the words in the wedding vows.

The more I’m in a relationship, the more I feel I’m not capable of sustaining it with love, joy and commitment to my partner. I have always like to tie the knot at 23, 24, but I can’t. It’s still not my calling to build a family now. My mentality’s still not mature ENOUGH to hold my own, let alone another human being. Maybe I’m not created to fulfill that function. Maybe I’m just a passer-by and live out my predestined life here on Earth. Nothing big, nothing special…just a clay, molded to add to the headcount of this world. Or maybe, I’m just here to spread love and not enjoying it myself. It’s painful, but someone has to do the dirty job. But at least give me a bloody SIGN!!! God!! Chey….!

I don’t know what to do either. So don’t look to me for answers. I’m only trying out this method whether it’s workable, so pleaseeeeeeeeee keep to the confines of the agreement, i.e. no contact…even by sms/msn. But so far, you’ve have already breached all of them, so what’s the point now??? I know you’re hurting and don’t want to feel abandoned, but it’s only for a few days you’ll be feeling this way, so bear with it!! Aaaaarrrggghhh!!! Man! I think you still don’t know the rules and purpose. But I don’t blame you either. SO……just keep to yourself and stay that way till time’s up. Cya in June…if we still meet up……..

Tired…too much counter attacks since the break-up. Beginning to lose my self-image and inner soul. Just hoping this is the right thing to do, and I get it right the last time. No regrets and no good byes.