Out of Sorts...You Asked For It!!!!

It has been a boring week 46. The days sucked, and the weekends are worst! It practically rained the whole week, and when the sun shines today, I have no plans at all. Such a waste!!!

I don’t know why I’m waiting earnestly for the phone call, that I know it will never come. What am I expecting from her??!!! NOTHING!! So, how come I’m still doing that man :( …..when every single close friend of yours are not available, even the slightest possibility will become a huge. I know nothing’s gonna happened, and jolly well know she’s not the type of girl I’m after. But she’s just there for the picking, you know what I mean?? Anyway, I realized after taking out Soon and Irene, I don’t really have much friends to go around…especially for a simple shopping trip or just coffee. I just don’t. Sometimes, you just wanna laze around a coffee joint and chat the whole day, but I just don’t have that (at the moment). Friends are getting few and far between, at a rapid pace. It’s even faster than deforestation!

That’s why it stuck my mind to work overseas and start afresh, in a new environment with new people with new setbacks with new experiences….new everything!! It’s just a thought, which can be fulfilled if I put my mind to it…(maybe I should sign up for the upcoming seminar on working in Aussie..)

The last few days were pretty insightful when I managed to speak to Soon on many topics affecting us. It’s a good heart-to-heart talk. How many friends can I do that??? Not much…and definitely less than 5. Names that I can ratter offhand now are Jo and Irene. That’s a pretty decent tally, but I hope I can expand the group size….at least when they aren’t around, I can have some alternatives.

It’s been bothering me the past week and hasn’t been a delightful experience for me. When I begin to evaluate my life, it just crumbles before my eyes. It saddens me to see myself in this state. I wanna be happier, but it’s hard at times. My only hope now is 2010. And after reading my fortune for the impending year ahead, it looks pretty bright for me, both on the work front and love. Sounds too good to be true, but I rather take that in for now. :)

I really REALLY should forget about her (stop daydreaming, Nick!!!) and get my butt back on track. Focus on other issues and let it fade into the background…GOD, I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!!!

96 Hours

The 1st posting of November. What a way to start this month with a bang. My friendship with Alexis got an unexpected twist and just got tighter by an inch. It all began after a week Heejung left and I left a message on her facebook. Well, she reacted in kind and left her number. I was just checking on her and seeing that she’s ok and coping well. It all started from then.

We talked on the phone for hours in the weeks that followed and it was good. Suddenly, I became her new BFF. Then last Thursday, that phonecall changed my life for the next 96 hours. I was at work and got her call around 9.40am, (just stepped into office for just 30 minutes) and she told me she gotten into an accident, and asked me to call the police. But it was a fight that broke out between her and the landlord. Essentially, it’s money issues but the mutual respect was the main blame. I’m sure if Alexis was more tolerant and tactful, that wouldn’t have happened, and she could “happily” stayed there till 30th before moving out, and NOT moving in a rush in less than 72 hours.

It was a mad rush for time and finding a place to stay in that time frame is ridiculous. I phoned all the contacts I have but eventually, her sister’s colleague ex-fiancé gotten the nice bachelorette pad for her. He was so nice and helpful. Anyone would have likened to him. Well, having a rich family indeed makes things less worrisome and everything was done by Friday afternoon. Yuppie!!! It was a really nice studio and she’s the bloody 1st tenant to move in!! hahahah… :p

Anyway, I helped her with almost everything. From the police report, to the hospital, to finding the new place, to cleaning her old room, to making sure she gotten all her details right. And she’s really a sotong. She got a shorter memory than me!! Hahahah…so, I was there to take care of the whole situation, and putting in under control. It was an eye-opener for me, as I get to know the housing T&C, SingTel service blah blah…

I got all the stuff for her to pack, so I just sit there and see. I even roped in my dad to help me get the boxes!! Kao!!…She doesn’t want me (or guys) to pack/unpack her personal stuff. I think this happens to all girls, not only Koreans. Anyway, I can’t be bothered with that. Better still, less work for me!

It’s been a tiring ordeal for both of us, especially her. I guess mentally she’s hurt and she’s in a daze most of the time….but after finalizing the housing, she’s much better. :) I, myself didn’t look good either. I slept late, and waking up early to go over and settle the loose ends. Just feel there’s a need to help her see through things. No matter what, she’s still a girl and in a foreign land…so as a friend, it’s only right to go the extra mile. (I promised HJ that I’ll take care of her…so, there I am, fulfilling that promise ;) )

If I’m gonna write an account for the last 96 hours, I think I can go on forever and write a book.

I seriously even thought of starting a relationship with her, but I guess I couldn’t find the chemistry between us and we are poles apart. I reckon she sees me as a friend too, so there’s no ground to pursue this. For example, these 4 days we have been eating in restaurants and going by cab, and definitely taking a toll on me (even though I didn’t pay most of it). But still, the lifestyle is so different, that even by compromising, it will only be as good as it gets. I admit; it’s nice to feel rich and not worry about money. It really does. But, I can’t do it…I just can’t. To have her foot all the bills, just not gonna do it for me. And to eat at those places every single meal, is also a no-no. I guess you get my drift. WE ARE WORLDS APART.

That’s why, Justin and myself both agreed that, Singapore is not a place for her. It’s too Asian and there’s too many unsaid customs to follow and to comprehend. Our culture is not something she can adapt to and going back to America is still the best thing for her. I told her that during lunch today, and definitely will highlight to her when the time comes again.

Well, just gotten a call from her earlier, and she’s gonna fly back to Korea tomorrow. I guess, she doesn’t have a choice and with her mom’s pressure, she definitely has to. Hopefully, everything will turn out fine and back to normal in a couple of weeks. For now, it’s back to taking the subway, hawker food and my trusty KDK fan. :)

*p.s. my perception of busty girls has also changed, and becoming more “Westernized” after spending time with her. I guess, somehow I got brainwashed…I don’t know how, but I did. I don’t even glance at girls anymore. Hahahah…I’m truly listening to my inner voice and that attraction to American/Aussie accented English girls has just heightened to a new level. It’s no longer just boobs, and looks. Now, it’s just the nose and perfect English ;)

Smooth Skin..

I have been hardworking today. kekekek…I’ve diligently used my body scrub, had my facial peel and mud mask. Today seems to be beauty treatment day! Hahahah.. :p But my skin’s in pretty bad shape, so I’m thinking whether to visit Dr. Seow for the Vitamin A treatment. Hmmmm…shall call up on Monday to make the appointment. I want my smooth skin too!!!!

So full the last 2 days and tipping the scales at 67kg…my heaviest in months!!! Lucky, the coming weeks, I’m stepping up my runs, so should lose the excess in 2 months. By December, I should be back to my slim 63kg.. ;)

Living behind those glasses...

Another emo-moment for me. As I’m writing this, I’m listening to Officially Missing You by Janice & Sonia and I realized loving someone ain’t so easy anymore. When you’re of marriageable age, you can’t love anyone anymore. You gotta plan for the future and whether this girl/guy is the one for you. You gotta screen the person to the DNA, and I’m dead serious!! Hahahah…to me, it is lah. I gotta know her family profiles, their medical background, her own health status, career, financial planning…blah blah…so it’s quite a major headache when you think of it.

I guess I’m just a worrier. I think and worry too much. I can no longer go with the flow. Time ain’t on my side man. 26 going on 27. It ain’t much but it’s 1 step further into adulthood, and it’s time I make more permanent decisions. For instance, my career. It’s not going anywhere and job hopping ain’t gonna help in the long run. I’m even contemplating to move overseas for work. A fresh start and the slower pace might be better for me, who knows?! I seek simpler life and starting a family there would be a nice addition to the picture. :)

It’s been a roller coaster ever since the annulment. It’s even more topsy turvy now than ever. Hahahah…everyone been asking why I’m still going out with Irene, and my response has always been the same. But deep down, of course I know she’s still holding out for me, but I’m can’t reciprocate the love. It’s a struggle for me too, coz I can’t avoid her and she’s always there when you needed someone, for movies, dinners etc. So, who can I turn to, when all my friends are attached??!! And they still have the gall to ask me, “why you still going out with her?”…humbug!! Sometimes, seeing a familiar face makes my worries go away, so she’s the next best thing. I wanted to shun her, but it’s just not right. We can still be good friends though. So what’s going on in her mind is totally beyond my control…

Yesterday, I was flipping through our courtship photos by accident. I was so much flesh-er!! Hahahah…and we looked so good together. :)…Thoughts ran wild, but I don’t wanna see myself becoming the monster again. Sometimes, I wish she didn’t meet me. Or, I didn’t go clubbing on the fateful night. Everything will definitely be different and who knows, she might already become a mummy. I guess, it’s her worst decision to have met me. Utterly waste of time..a time of her prime. If I can return that 3 years to her, I would…plus interest.

Though I kept complaining on having no girlfriend, I’m not even sure I’m up for it again. The whole courtship process, the whole getting-to-know-a-new-person process, is such a pain in the ass. I gotta fact find everything again, though I know I would be happy to do it if I’m in love with her. But it’s still a chore lah!! A whole new adaptation to one another’s habits, peeves, culture, can be very taxing. Falling in love can actually be very tiring and mental straining. All the chemical reactions in our body are going crazy just because of this attraction. It’s amazing, but is it worth it when all that reactions stop??

So when the perfect one comes along, what would my reaction be…………???

Run for Life

Finally succumbed to the temptation of NOT running. Kekeek…coz the omen is so CLEAR!! C is going jogging…I saw my folks jogging…and I even saw my friend, ALL at the same day!!….so it’s a sign that I must run loh. hahahah…but I think I misread it, coz I sustain injuries even before I started running. I strained my back when stretching and during the run, I strained the muscles behind my left knee. Wah lau, just 7km and I kana so many injuries. Bo hua man…but I felt refreshed after that..so naturally, I slept well too. :)

The up side is, my appetite increased and ate like a pig!! Hahahah…next stop, wine feast tomorrow with Jo…yayz!!! ;)

Withdrawal Part II...

Saw a young Korean girl on the way back, and it immediately triggered my memories with my yobo. :( I’m still not adjusting back to reality and life without her. Give me time….lots of it.

I’m listening to Korean songs just to feel her presence here with me. It transports me back to our past events. Nice feelings all over… :) well, I guess she’s been a part of my life so long, that she truly meant something to me. Kudos to her, that I have the songs that she gave me…muack!!!

This feeling of missing her will fade eventually, but I know it just went deeper into my heart and missing her more. ;) Our memories will bring sooooo much more meaning in time to come. :)

Withdrawal...

The activities in October had brought a great beginning to the month. Mostly it surrounds around Heejung, coz she’s leaving us and back to Korea. Time passes extremely fast the last 14 days. Before I know it, it’s her last 24 hours here…sob sob.. :( The emotions ran high for me, and practically I have no mood for work yesterday. I wanted to take leave but coz of my family dinner, there’s really no point. Somehow, I regretted it but it’s over…so no point crying over this. It’s the 1st time I feel sad when someone is leaving for good. I think it’s bcoz I know when she comes back, it will only be visiting and not permanently. So, I guess I didn’t get the same feeling when Yanfen or Jo left for Aussie in the past.

We really bonded tightly the last 2 weeks. Whenever there’s an empty slot in my calendar, I would think of her and meet up for dinner or something. Our friendship has accelerated and brought us close and I already started to miss her when I know I can’t see her till next May. Work was definitely not on my mind yesterday. There are only images of her. She’s been a great friend and I will never gonna forget her. Though I told her I will cry but I didn’t. The tears were welled up inside me and it showed on my face. There’s sadness written all over. But she kept her cool and smiled. Coz she knows we will meet again. That’s so philosophical, but I agree with a tinge of reluctance. I know she’s sad but she held it back, coz once it’s out, there’s no holding her back. I still sent her sms after we left and hoping she’s connected and indeed she was. She called and I was so darn happy!!!! We chatted a few and I know she’s gonna be ok, so that’s how it ended. :) I just wanted her to stay with us forever, here in Singapore….sob sob…

We all know she will leave one day, but I always hope that day will never come. As I’m writing this, the sadness is still in me, deeply not wanting to let her go. We hugged and I almost didn’t wanna let go coz I know it will be our last. I’m just reminiscing our good times and how it will be when we meet up again…definitely there will be longer hugs and kisses!!!

I know why Agatha doesn’t like the airport. Seeing your loved ones off is 1 of the hardest things. I HATE IT!!!

Till the next meeting my dear friend…yobo, WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE!!!!…I LOVE YOU!!!! Come back soon ok….!!!

Definitely getting married @ 35!!!

Disappointment, disappointment….it’s written all over my face :(….she didn’t turn out the way I wanted her to be. Firstly, she isn’t the same gal I saw in Facebook. Secondly, she turned out older than I thought!!! She’s at least 32, 33!!! Aaarrggghhh!!!

HOW COME I GOT THE KNACK WITH OLDER WOMEN!!!!!!??????

I just knew that I wouldn’t have scored with a gorgeous, young thing in my lifetime. It’s always been like that all along. I thought I’d broken the curse with her, but apparently it’s still the same…*faint*

I don’t mind the age, but why give people false hopes with that 2 photos!!!!!!???? I knew she played down my expectations of her, but to that extent??!!! It’s too much for me to swallow lah…but now I learnt 2 new things. When a girl doesn’t reveal her age, she’s 90% 30yrs and above. Secondly, when she said she’s normal looking, better believe her words!!! These are the 2 things I’ll remember for LIFE!!!

Besides that, she’s a friendly person (she even shaked my hand when we meet…wah lau!! I’m not your client leh..) and very personable. But the looks department is just very off lah…haiz…at least I met her early, and didn’t leave it too late in the “relationship”. That’s why I soooooooo relaxed with her today. normally, when I’m with a “real” babe, I’m more fake and forced. But with her, I’m totally ME…

I FEEL CHEATED!!!!!!!!!

I think I’m prettier than her today loh!!! At least I resemble 99% of what you see in my photos. Really a major setback for me in the dating field. I just couldn’t shake off the “older women” attraction. It’s not my fault that they keep coming to me….I want a young child-bearing girl!!! Is it too much to ask for???!!!!

Back to the drawing board…………………………………………… sob sob……….

I SCORE A DATE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (PM Mood)

Need I say more??? Hahahaha…I’m totally elated when she finally said YES!!!

I told her a more concrete plan and indeed she went and checked her schedule (no more excuses this time), and it’s either Monday or Tuesday. I got exam on Monday, so she said Tuesday would be better coz of me and the tendency of her clients calling on Monday is higher…so Tuesday will be great. :)

Though she told me it’s ok for now, and not guaranteed…but she said it’s 70% safe. So, I’m praying hard, her jackass clients don’t come calling her for meeting in the middle of our date. Or her office calling as well….*tolong tolong la!!!*

It’s gonna be a simple movie and lunch. But I’m all good for that. Nothing must fail on that day. And I’ll personally see to it. In the back of my mind, I’m already sizing up the location and rehearsing on what topics to say and stuff. I’m even more nervous now than my FYP presentation!! Kekeke…I’m just sooooooo happy la, so bear with it… :p

My plan finally work..i.e. a more firm-up plan, at least let her know when to make time for me is definitely a key to my success. I was banking on this, and if this fails, I’m out of ammo. So, I’m praying hard this date will turn fruition. I really want this to bear fruits man!!!

My mood definitely lightens up after this great, big confirmation. Instantly, I just shine through my smile. Kekekek…don’t think I need to say more, until the date is over and I’ll have more to update….and also, I don’t wanna jinx it by writing too much…I’m pan tang!! :p

*hope nothing will cock up…cross fingers*

Back Off? or Slow Down?? (AM Mood)

I feel that writing is the best form of release for me. I mostly write when I’m depressed, moody or sad. And by the gauge of the frequency I’m writing lately, you can tell that I’m in that state of mind constantly for the last 72 hours.

I have no avenue to turn to, to express my inner feelings except by writing. Thank God for Yati, who hear me out last night, pouring my grievances to her and she received it with love and concern. That’s sweet babe, THANK YOU!!! I don’t wanna blare too much to my friends, as I would be repeating myself over and over again, which will make me evoke that same disgusted feeling a million times. So, here I am, writing about my 1-sided affair with her. *sigh…..*

Sometimes she blow hot, sometimes cold. The 1st 2 days was pretty fiery, but after that, it died down. I was wondering if I’m pushing too hard or what. Like what I gathered from her, she wouldn’t have the slightest clue if a guy is interested in her. Her 6th sense is like off all the time! Hahahah…anyway, it’s really no point mulling over this, over and over again when I didn’t even met her yet. So, I don’t know why I’m writing so much over an unreal person!! *sishh!!...*

I will try again to ask her out for a movie, but this time round I’m gonna give her a title and the time frame. At least she has something to work with. If not, she will keep saying,

“I don’t know leh…there’s too much to do…..I’ll let you know when I can ya.”.

And I’m getting bored and irritated in hearing this too many times, even though, in my heart, it’s true to the bone. I never once doubted her as she showed sincerity and “genuineity”. So, the trust has already formed.

I wanna set my mind straight as soon as possible, so that I can move on to whether she’s the one or not. So, I hope she can give me an answer, or at least a clearer indication of whether we can have a date or not. I’ll only be waiting for that to happen…and I will only be giving myself 3 months to settle this. Yes or No…Easy? Simple? Not very…

*strangely, after spilling out my thoughts, I somehow felt lighter and ready to do battle again. Maybe I can tahan another round.. :p*

How did my folks communicated through their courtship??? Hmmmm…

After writing the post last night, I think I’m getting ahead of myself…being overly enthusiastic and overzealous about this so called courtship. I think I’m too eager to get into a relationship now, that I give my everything to be in one. No holds barred. But is the other party willing, or should I say, it’s all along been a one-sided affair??

Though there’s a tinge of flirting around, but the result wasn’t really sustainable. Coz we only communicate through MSN, and she got no handphone to text or call….so it can be quite depressing for the initial part of courtship. I’m sure given that convenience, I would have been in a better position to make this relationship mine. Everyday, I’m just waiting for her to come online, and for that few hours, I drilled in every inch of my mental strength into it, hoping the friendship will flourish to a meaningful relationship. But she’s online to work, all the time….though it’s clear she doesn’t neglect me, but I’m not getting a strong vibe that she’s REALLY INTO ME. You know that feeling in that tummy, when someone likes you??? Your gut feeling will tell you that, “Ya, she’s into me, alright!!”…but so far, there isn’t. I guess I’m too anxious to fast forward this relationship to blossom, and feeling miserable in the process. This is my one shot to love, and I ain’t gonna give it up, unless she spelled it out loud, that I’m not the one.

So, I’m trying hard to make that 1st date a reality, as soon as possible. As least, after that, we know in our hearts, whether it’s do-able or not. There’s so much flirting around online, it’s killing me not to be able to see her!! Or text her!! All I have is 2 beautifully taken photos…and there’s no frontal shot of it…haiz…different to gauge man.

I’m feel so handicapped without technology these days. No handphone for courtship is a killer! I’m wondering how my folks did it when their time….maybe still use telephone and make arrangements ba. It’s so simple back then, but yet they are still so happy. Haiz……I wonder when will I finally get my shot at that…??

Do I have a shot at love again?

Have been meeting amazing people of late. Namely, Nana and Feme. But Feme is the one that draws my attention the most. Kekeke…hmmm, I’m not sure if I’m being misled, but the feelings felt mutual and sincere. And if the photo is really what it is, then I’m in for a big treat, coz she’s a beauty!! ;) We are both Sagi and share the same type of humor, love peanut pancake and have digestive problems!! Hahahah…anyway, I already put the ball in her court and she seems to taken it, i.e. I’ve asked her out and she promises to work things out. Well, that’s a good sign. :)

I’m pretty sure there’s some sparks and flirting going on between us, and I really hope this relationship will flourish to something I would be proud of. It’s the 1st time I asked a girl (of her calibre) out, and she agreed. So, I guess it’s the start of good things to come. Really REALLY hope our date will come soon, coz I think I’m going crazy just by thinking all the possibility between us. One good thing is, throughout this time, I didn’t think of us breaking up (if we are together), so I guess it’s a very, very good thing. Coz I tend to deviate towards the negative part.

Couldn’t sleep last night after our conversation. Kekeke…I was so hyped up with excitement, and the prospects of meeting her just send the tingles down my spine. I rolled on my bed from 10.30pm, and finally got to lala land at 1am. It’s a good type of insomnia though…hahahah.. :p

Bad part is, she doesn’t have a handphone, so kinda hard to keep in contact with her. So, I can only pray to see her online everyday. That’s our only form of communications. But, she got my number, so let’s just see…… :) (can’t believe it that I gave her my number on our 2nd conversation!!! Sounds despo hor!! :p)

**praying hard she comes online soon and hopefully, we can arrange our date in a couple of weeks time….**

**been floating to work today…standing tall and there’s a spring in my steps. Looking confident and sharp..everything I did today, just went perfect and I couldn’t get mad at anything. :p**

A Great Fortnight...but I'm SICK of my life...

I was reading my past entries and searching for inspiration to write again. And on cue, it came. Hahahha…well, the past 2 weeks had been a hell-raiser. There’s the major event of the year, Soon’s wedding proposal, which I can proudly say, went “smoothly” as it should be. Hahahahahah…There’s hell of a preparation for us. From the scrutiny of details to making impromp-tu wet weather plans. It’s a MASSIVE project!!! Best part is, she didn’t realize it, when in the 1st place we thought she did and made a lot of changes…hahhaahah…that really made us cracked up. :p And the worst part is, I accidentally press the REC button and didn’t record the most important part of the proposal, i.e. the bended knee moment!!!!! SHIT!!! Lucky, we had 2 viewcams, if not, I would never EVER forgive myself.

Everything went well and that was really the highlight of week 36. There were the dinner dates as usual. Nothing fancy, just chat and dine. Lotsa laughter and smiles and good people. This left me wondering how long will this last. And right on, my calendar is blank for the month of September. Hahahaha…there isn’t any concrete plans marked out except for luncheon with Agnes. And besides that, I’m totally open. How I wish I can score a date with someone. At least that could bring some spice to my lonesome month. How I wish I can get that 1st date feeling of adrenaline pumping, hearting racing, back in my life…it’s soooooo hard…. :(

I wonder what it takes to score a date with someone meaningful…and if so, where can I find such people. Singaporean girls are just damn stuck up la. No wonder guys are turning their heads abroad. Don’t blame us, check out yourselves ladies…To be fair, it’s only a handful, and I’m very sure the rest of our local babes are equally great. But it’s THAT handful, that spoil market loh…aarrrgghhh!!!

I think I should stop listening to sappy Korean songs and start listening to MJ again. It’s zapping the life juice out of me!!! Feeling all emotional again…sian loh…I NEED LOVE!!!

Regrettably, I know I’m spreading my love to whoever I meet, and mostly to people who are “impossible” (but I keep meeting them!!! NOT MY FAULT!!). I think I’m so desperate to date, that I tap on anyone who interest me. I reckon that would lead to retribution…hahahahaha…well, I’m just sour that my status quo is so unreal and needs to be changed fast! And deep down, I know these people will not forsake their current lives to be with me, which I totally respect and envy. And also, deep down, I know Ms C will never go out on a date with me, even though she said, “I would love to but……” blah blah…all rubbish to me…She doesn’t wanna make empty promises and I know why, coz it will not look good on her and make her a liar. So, she’s just covering her own backside…CLEVER!!! *sssish!!!* I’m beginning to want to part ways, as things are not working out as well I wanted it to be. There’s only love from me and not from her. So, that’s what EMA is all about…I’m learning this 1st hand. It’s the 1st time the affair gets lousier treatment than the main lead. Hahahaha…movies/dramas not like that show wan leh…kekekeekek… :p

Anyway, I just hope something bright will happen in the last quarter of 09, and forget the 1st half of the year. If not, I think I would need a miracle to lift me out of this slump…as what Yati puts it, “if I can survive a divorce, I can survive anything!” hahahha…I need my babe in shining armor. WHERE ARE YOU??????

I deserve better. I need to put myself in perspective now. I need to get a grip of myself!!!!

I think I suffered quite a bit in the love life, that I warrant a bit of leeway rite??? I’m now in TWO bloody 3rd-party-position relationship, and I don’t wanna have any part of it anymore!! I’m not getting the love that I truly deserve and I’m sure that’s what YOU want me to feel right?? I get what you mean now, so please let me off the hook ya???……I’m really suffering deep inside. I know you know it, soooooooo please don’t do this to me anymore!!!!!!! I surrender myself to you now. I CAN’T TAKE THIS NO MORE……..I can’t hold this façade any longer….I’m tired and fatigued from all the faces I put up…

I need a long rest………..

The Need to Tighten the Shoe String Budget...

God’s been kind to me this week. Everything has been in my favor. All my activities went well and everyone had fun. I got my sun-kissed tan and had a great party yesterday for Soon’s birthday and also meeting up with friends for dinners and stuff. :) This will spill over to next week too, as my calendar’s been filled up fast since last week! Hahahah…I’m only left with a free day on Friday. Kekeke…I don’t know how long it will be open, but even it is does, I will need the day at home to recuperate from all that excitement and laughter. Kekekek…

Been spending a lot lately, and especially last Friday where I bought on impulse $450 worth of facial products, which will reportedly last me for 2 years…I shall see about that. :(…I’m gonna tighten the tap and budget the spending for the next 3 months. Lucky, there isn’t much birthdays to celebrate, except for Jo’s. Other than that, I reckon there wouldn’t be any major outlay. I need someone to keep a close eye on my purse strings, or else it will fly out of my pocket as fast as it’s been credited into my account. Hmmm…“hopefully”, I can cap my expenses at $500 after the usual transport and allowances. That should leave me about $600-700 of savings. I reckon that’s a fair deal ya?! *praying very hard to achieve my targets*

Another great thing that happened was learning about the correct techniques to Ultimate Frisbee. We were in awe when we saw some pros playing and the accuracy is impeccable. So, monkey see monkey do. I reckon we spent more than 6 hours imitating how they throw, and it wasn’t really smooth at first. Then came along Jess and showed us again how it is being done. And after a while, I gotta the hang of it!!! And like what they say, “the rest is history”. I’m totally SOLD by this new sport I picked up. Hahahah…I’m so hooked to it, I spent the remaining hour training on the technique. I’m super hyped up and already thinking when we should hold a Frisbee game as soon as possible!! I can’t wait anymore!! I wanna play now, as I write. Hahahah…so, I’m gonna recce where they sell this Frisbee and play as much as I can. ;) yayy!!!

Phew!! What a week…it’s been a slow week, but it gotta around pretty well. :)…hopefully this coming week will mimic last week’s fantastic run and keep this good momentum going strong.

Deeper Meaning of "I Love You"...

Had dinner with Agnes, and as promised, we had hell of a crazy evening. Kekekek…the agenda was work, our personal lives and most juicy of them all, our LOVE lives. ;) Hmmm…I have been wondering why we are so close after just 1 meeting. We literally poured our hearts out in every dinner date. I guess, there’s no need to have reason for everything…especially life. There’s mutual trust and the friendship just blossom on an accelerated speed. Faster than a Lambo @ 320kph!!!

Fri saw me met up with Soon and Jess. Gave him his birthday present of 2 choices, and he gotten the dinner + tee/business shirt. Yet to accomplish, but there’s plenty of time to carry it out till the next birthday. Kekekek…we even went to look for proposal rings as well. It’s gonna be fast and furious for him in 2010. If everything goes well, we should be expecting the red bomb in the last quarter of 2010. Feel really happy for him. I think I’m even more gan cheong after he told me his plans. Mentally, I already mapped out an outline of the things to do/not do. Hahahah…He’s my blood brother for 14 years. How not to be anxious!!?? Wedding cakes, guest list, hotel reservation, photos, wedding gifts, the list just goes on forever. So, 1 year advance planning is just nice. WE GOTTA PLAN IT NOW!!!! :p

Weekend’s been pretty packed as well. Went to buy party décor for Soon’s birthday. Pretty much gotten everything, just need to discuss with Jess on the actual day stuff, like food and timing. Oh well, it’s not the 1st time we’re doing this, but still there’s a tinge of excitement. :)…Most probably, the plan should flow like this:

10am to 3pm: Beach games & picnic
3pm to 6pm: F&E cum surprise @ hotel room!!
6pm to 8pm: dinner @ Vivo + cake
8pm till late: either games in hotel room or clubbing @ Café del Mar.

That’s how I envision, but how closely it can meet my schedule depends on the people loh. *cross fingers*

Oh ya, the most fuzzy thing I gotten this week gotta be the sound of a grand-daughter saying to her grandma, “I love You”. Somehow, my eyes were brightened up when I heard that while I’m in the toilet..kekeke..I think her granny was leaving, and the kid just screamed out through the window, “I love you, Ah Mah”. Awwww….that’s so sweet…It melted my heart when I hear that. Indeed there’s still such love around, and I believe it should be the greatest one of all!! It’s not your BGR type, which is so flimsy at times. But love like this, is hard to see or hear nowadays. I hope the Gen Z will cherish their grandparents and parents, while they are still around and learn as much as they can. It’s the best gift that they can give you.

A tear

Should it be evoked by a sad song or a sad experience? I guess, for me it’s both. Last night, when I was repeating myself for the umpteen on my regret for treating Irene that way, I could feel my eyes welling up on cue. This is the part that always (I should say, almost) brings a tear to my eyes. Whenever I talk about this, the urge to cry is always there. There is no denying on that. But I guess I was in control all this while and the tears were held back. I’m not sure when will it flow uncontrollably in public. I just can’t tell. But I reckon it will happen.

Spending all my time with the gang really helps to soothe the lonely soul. Without the companionship, my mind will bound to wander to the unknown, and God knows when will I be back to reality. For the 1st time in years, I’m afraid to be alone. I wonder what will I become after all the festivities have died down. Aloof, silent, maybe grumpy.

I’m looking forward to the 2nd half of the year bcoz of all the celebrations, birthdays, X’mas, NYE…I’m somewhat glad it’s jam packed with all these stuff. There will be months I’ll be doing nothing but blog and blog…and there will be months I’ll MIA for ages. Hahahaha…that’s when you know I’m having too much fun ;). There’s so much to be done and the hot summer sun is dying down soon. So I gotta catch it before month’s end!! And that’s when autumn sets in, and the melancholy rhythm will be heard again. Everything will be slowed down, somehow or rather. It’s like following the footsteps of an old man walking through the park, on a well trodden path, full of fallen golden maple leaves. That image is firmly etched in the back of my mind all the time. I somehow feel I’m that old man. Given all he got and yet spending his last years, walking alone. His only companion, a trusty old walking stick. There’s no one in sight but memories that filled his days and nights with the minute of joy and laughter; doing all these, on an old rocking chair.

I smirked when I see couples holding hands and showing PDA on trains, parks, malls and what have you. Honestly, I feel happy for them. Or maybe I just feel sad for myself. Being able to find a partner/companion isn’t as easy as all think. So, I always envy those who really did find their happiness and progress to start a family and enjoying the bittersweet of married life. I guess I will never experience such myriad of emotions in the years to come, or even in this lifetime. It will take a very “strong” woman to overcome my fear of commitment and the fear of the unknown. It will be HER, who will guide me through the thick and thin. It gotta be HER, who will be the pillar of strength for me, most of the times. So, it’s not that easy to find such a strong yet demure lady of my dreams. It never was, it never will, it never gonna be.

I’m pretty sure I’m getting depressed again if I were to carry on writing. But it’s the best avenue to express my deepest thoughts and vividly capturing my life experiences on this blog. Though it’s wildly imagined at times, but it feels like I’m already there in person. I’m beginning to feel like an old man in a young man’s body.

Maybe I should just become a full-time author. Inspirations were gotten from the music I heard and the emotions I felt of late. The music really brings me back years ago and years ahead at the same time. It’s amazing what a few notes can do. The human mind is a power thing. It can make a person feel like a king in 1 second, and like a destitute in another. Try exploring it when you got the time and space, and I guarantee you, you’ll not be disappointed. ;)

New Look, New Beginning??

Another week had just zoomed past. It’s one-week post-ICT. Nothing much has changed, but I’m loving the shock element I gave my agents and colleagues. Hahahah…Sharon couldn’t even recognize me!! Kekeke…I had given her that shock element, TWICE! 1st, was when I turned permanent staff. 2nd, was last Friday when I came back for the Be@m presentation. Kekekek…that was fun loh. :p With a short crop, a goatee & a darker tan can do wonders. Everyone is curious what happened to me for the past week, and the questions kept coming in fast and furious. Kekekek…I love that attention though. It makes me feel shiok and that people DO take notice of me. Low self-esteem can be sucky, so this really was a “treat” that I can enjoy, once in a while :).

The goatee’s gone, and it’s the new prim-and-proper Nick!! Short hair and smart looking. Apparently, Singaporean girls love guys with short hair, while Koreans (and the fanatics) like it long. Hmmmm…which demographics should I please??? Kekekek…how about the Japanese & ang moh? Hahahaha… :p

Loving the plans that are up-and-coming…..

There’s gonna be G.I. Joe tonight, after the bbq at granny’s.
Come Monday, will be a session of basketball.
Tuesday will be the ever-elusive dinner with Yati!!
Then Friday, will have my waxing session.
Saturday, will be holding a 1-to-1 dinner with Soon. It’s the birthday prelude dinner!!
Sunday will be AHM 21km.

Then next Saturday will be the birthday bash proper @ sunny Sentosa!!! So I’m gonna do the rain-rain-go-away prayer again…kekekek…it’s gonna be a fun-filled and packed schedule for the coming 2 weeks. This should make me less mindful of reality that has been taking up my brain space lately.

I’m really applying what I have been preaching all these years. “Take 1 day at a time.” By not thinking too far ahead, really keeps me sane. I’m trying very hard not to sway by focusing on the coming events. I’m not sure what/how I will be feeling next month, when all the events have dried up. Hmmmm…………………but that will be next month’s worries. Not now. ;)

**p.s. Agnes, I know you might be reading this, so I never forget our lunch date!!! Kekeke…I never put it in bcoz I don’t know which day are we meetin hor!! :p

4th ICT 2009

This week had been a week of reflections and gaining insight to my life, instead of doing physical exercises.

I hear the guys talk about their careers, their newly minted marriages, getting cars and flats. It’s rather sad to say the least, that I’m neither successful in either of that. My career is in limbo, no future partner in sight, and don’t even have to think of 4 wheels and a 4-room house.

For the 1st time, I’m really reflecting on what I’m gonna do with my life. Though I have a job, it’s not really a field I can excel in. I might jolly well return to shipping. It’s where the money is. I can at least be an executive or even an Assistant Manager! But my concern now is, how to climb the corporate ladder with so much in my mind. I really don’t know what the future lies. Yesterday, I told Kelvin that I’m drained out just after 7 months, and contemplating a return to my old job. The stress level and workload is really intense. Not everyone can take it. That’s why I wonder how Gimmy tahan for 2 years. It’s plain insanity! Though the money is rather good (if you are high ranking), the responsibilities is equally “good” too. Everytime got courses, seminars and conferences to attend. Siao loh..work cannot finish, still must go this, go that.

Talking about relationships and marriages. Friends are tying up the knots like tying shoelaces. Fast and sweet. And wedding albums are sprouting all over the place. Malls, papers, and even facebook!!! I WANNA GET MARRIED TOO!!! I want to have a family and kids too…sob sob.. :( I yearn for a meaningful relationship, but can’t find the correct one to start with. I even thought of reconciling with Irene, but I don’t wanna go back to the devilish part of me, uncontrollably. I wanna be fair to her, as much as I can. Somehow, she’s someone I’m spending a lot of time with lately. She’s the only one who is available and accommodate to my timing, any day of the week. That’s sweet, but I don’t wanna take advantage of that too. I even siam her for some time, so as not to rely on her. But I can’t, coz she’s the next best thing, in terms of shopping-cum-eating kaki. I just went with the flow loh. Fuck care for now..as long we’re happy, I don’t really care now. But still, I will wanna find a partner to spend intimate time with. I need genuine love/passion. I need it badly and need it fast!!

Don’t even mention about cars and flats!! I’m not even close…not even smelling it. Period!!

Haiz…it’s been a great week though. Rekindling friendship and knowing new ones. I hope this will gain momentum for me. Job wise, getting better at it. Relationship wise, getting to know a girl, of coz! And when I get these both on track, the other 2 will fall in place in 10 years time..hahahhah…

People just don’t believe I can’t score a date, and blame me for being picky. Kekeke…it’s true. I’m indeed picky. I’m critical when selecting the future mate. Everything must be perfect, but I’m learning to compromise and forgoing the ones that ain’t important. But seeing other imperfect couples, it’s even more frustrating and pek chey on not finding the babe.

@#%%^&&(*&^(**(*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*(*)&$%%#$###!@!@$%^#E%#$%!!!!!!

Someone please give me a real hug & kiss…………..

Jealousy: A Poison

Getting emotional again…by the way I’m writing, I know it’s gonna be a damn long posting of me and my twirly, whirly roller coaster ride of sian-ness. Haiz….lost my edge again. For the umpteen times, I lost interest in love AGAIN.

Last night, though was a fun outing, I couldn’t swallow it down when they tell C that tonight gonna be a baby-making night coz she drank a lot. It just not right when you hear such things. It all boils down to jealousy. But, WHO AM I TO HARBOR SUCH FEELINGS??!! At that point of time, I just wanna go home and hide myself under the sheets. I felt limp all of a sudden. I lost interest in winning money, and my laughter becomes very superficial. And to think, I have to listen to such things over the course of the night, it’s a torture!

I felt like crying bcoz, why do I have to go through all these..??!! I’m eligible enough to find a single girl, but nooooo, I have to find those with other martial status in the dictionary. I’m just a man slut!!…Throughout the night, I was just hallucinating about how I would find a nice girl, settling down and put this behind me….all the way till I reached home. But it’s still a fantasy. I think I really don’t deserve such happiness anymore. Not ever since I destroyed someone else’s. I reckon this is what you called, trials and tribulations.

It was so near, but we couldn’t even share a single word. Not even a “Hi”. It was really dumb that we had to resort to sending text to one another. Even CW shared a moment with her. And I’m even dumb enough to think I would be able to share a private moment with her, even for a few minutes in the prelude to this retreat. I was really naïve. 27 years on and still thinking there’s a prefect outcome. Where the fuck have I been all this time??!!!!!! Fairy tales don’t come true. GET A GRIP!!!

Seriously, I don’t know why I even bothered about this thingy. It’s really non-communicable, non-physical and we don’t even date!!! What kind of affair is it??!! Is there a name for it???!!!

Ya, there is. It’s called, “Get-a-life-and-get-yourself-a-woman syndrome”. In Chinese saying, simply put it…fan jian.

So this is how it feels like. A 2nd class citizen. I don’t think it’s even befitting to categorize me in that class. I’m worst than that. I’m like, 2nd class in a 3rd world country. Poor of the poorest. Totally rid of my dignity, pride and manhood. There ain’t anything worst than that.

I officially lost hope in love, and finding anyone in my lifetime. I’m sooo done with it.

Tears welling, heart aching, body quivering. Is that what I should be feeling, for being in the position I’m in now? Or should I be feeling otherwise?

I honestly need a love guru right now. hahahahah…I’m so bad in regaining my self-esteem right now, that everything is so meaningless to me at this very instance. I hadn’t had this feeling in ages. Not ever since the thought of annulling came to me. It’s a tough choice and bothered me in the months that came. This could take at least 6 months before I can regain my foothold and gain faith again. I’m so drama, but it’s true. I think Su can relate to me, perfectly. Coz she’s a drama queen too!! Kekekek… :p

If this event can’t even get us talking, I don’t know what will. It should be clear to me all along, but I just refuse to take off that blind in front of me. But now, I think I know what I should do. Doing so much, but gaining nothing. A BIG FAT ZERO. Not even a hug, let along a kiss.

Brain waves:
***stop torturing yourself Nick!!! She ain’t worth all that trouble. Focus your energy on someone who’s worth all your love and passion. Go out and meet new girls and have the guts to talk to them/date them. Have balls my friend!! Stop wallowing up in self-pity. Be a man!***

Bitching, Gossip, LOVE, Disappointed, Hatred...

This week is the BEST!!! I’m only writing bcoz it’s only the day I’m NOT having a date of sorts. Hahahah…

Monday, met up with the beloved Agnes for dinner and a eventually, it turned out to be a bitching good time!! hahaha…we poured out our life stories in the short 3 hours and gained insight on one another’s life and personality. It’s such a fuzzy feeling to have found another listening ear. Yayy!!! :) And I’ve freaking no idea why I told her so much in 1 session, that I could have told Jo in many. Kekeke….I guess, to find someone to talk to, nowadays, can be an uphill task. Everyone’s busy and buzzing with their own lives. It’s tough!!! Girls are just better listener than guys. PERIOD!!

So came Tuesday. Met up with Ben and Shang for our usual dinner and kopi session. Food’s great but the tea is a ripped off!! Hahahah…rather pay 80cents and drink at kopi tiam. :( …Anyway, just found out Ben’s gonna propose this coming October in Japan to his 1yr old girlfriend. It’s kinda fast but who am I to say, when I myself did the exact same thing 3 years back. He’s adamant and our advice just fell on deaf ears. But I guess he’s more level-headed than me, so he should know what he’s in for. And Shang, already proposed, popped a $9K diamond ring, quit his job and further his studies. Cool thing is, knowing that he’s gonna be the ONLY professor friend I would EVER make in my lifetime. Hahahahah…he’s gonna be NEO. The ONE!! The one who will make the 1st $1,000,000!!!! Hahahahah…

But on a honest note, when they told me then, I felt like I’m gonna lose another 2 more friends to marriage. They thought I’m just be emotional and paranoid, but they don’t know what the marriage thing's gonna do to them loh. Though I gave them my blessings, but deep down, I know I’ll see less of them and losing my circle of close knitted pals to this inevitable cycle of life. Another thought also came to mind. Get a girlfriend and settle!! It’s easier said than done. Somehow, I feel like a lone ranger and don’t really yearn for company, but on the other hand, keep complaining about the quality ones are already snapped up. Anyway, I’m a born contradict. Target for 2nd half of 2009 still remains the same: find me a girlfriend/companion…whatever!!

Lastly, came the mid-week delight: My bi-annual meet-up with Jo, Shan and Chrisen. We really were a rowdy bunch. We laughed and made a huge racket wherever we went. Hahahah…it was fun poking at each other, and it made us young again. The feeling of seeing old friends rekindled the kind of feeling, you can’t get anywhere. And all of us agreed. :)..I really wished time would stop for us last night. We could just talked for hours and hours. We were only let down by time and our day job. We shared interesting facts, gossips and the usual girly stuff. And Shan is our clubbing queen!!! Yayy!!! Hahahaah….she’s the grand master of cheong-ing now. Shi fu!! Kekekeek… :p

Hope that our gathering will increase in size and shorten the frequency, will ya?! 2 years is a freaking long time leh…at least make it ½ yearly man…ok?? :p

Looking forward to Friday but the special one is sick and it’s still 50/50 whether she’s going to the gathering. I’ve been longing for this day since 2 weeks back. And now she’s down with the bloody flu bug..Humbug!!! It’s just not fair!!! Why do YOU have to deprive me the only time I can see her!!??? Is it Your way of telling me to back off?? Then please get Cupid to do his job, and I shall be on my way!!!! Aaarrrggghhh!!!!

I’m depressed, sad, annoyed and practically listless that I lost my mojo. Haiz….I don’t ask much, but still such a joke has to be played on me, time and time again.

I’m lost………..

ICT’s looming and to hell with it. What I’m gonna write (or thinking to write) is so anti, that I’ll be arrested if they read it. So, please use your imagination and the superlatives that I will use to describe it……..

Hoping for a more fruitful August, and the impending Halloween party that we’re gonna organize. Red indians and cowboys??? Kekeke :p