I feel the need to write. Write about anything. Need to get the “thing” out of my system! What thing, I don’t know, but I know I just need to write to relieve myself of this boredom, stifle-ness, and more locally apt, sian-ness. Whenever I feel this way, I’ll write. Either this or watch my tv and play Football Manager at the same time. In the past, I would go to the arcade and shoot some bad guys, but now I seldom do that. Maybe becoz I’m working and no time for that anymore. Somehow I always credit all the restrictions and bad phenomenon on her. I just feel bitter lah. Marriage seems to restrict my life instead of enriching it. Now I realize I’m not suited for this holy matrimony. At least not now. Not in the next 5 years.
I don’t wanna blame her for the rest of our lives together. I may become (but highly unlikely) a wife-beater eventually. If that’s the case, she better move aside before I transform into that, sooner rather than later.
I’m feeling vexed about my marriage ever since we tied the knot. Even more so in the last few months. There’s really a knot in my chest, waiting for me to untie. Only me. I can’t breathe at times and I feel I’m going crazy. I just can’t take this lying down. It’s like forcing it down my throat. I reckon no one can understand what I’m going through except those who have been in my shoes, and I don’t expect my pals to understand as well. It’s way out of their league and rather not imposes on them on such matters. I still want them to view me as the fun-loving and jovial guy who brings joy rather than gloom and sadness. I want to be Nick again. The same Nick 5 years back and even 10 years back. He’s such a nicer person and down to earth. And he still is! But now, he’s hiding within the other Nicks’ that I portray everyday to other people. He’s suffering and I’ll try to bring him out whenever I can and as long as I can. I’m trying to cut down the number of façades, to show people the real me, but mostly just take advantage and the real Nick will just hide back in the closet.
I liken myself as the modern day Peter Pan. The kid who refuses to grow up and ignored the things that they expect him to know. On the outside, I’m maturing (i.e. getting older), but on the inside, I’m still a kid. A kid with little expectations and fun is the appetizer, entrée and dessert, every single day! I’m still not prepared to be an adult. I can father a child, but he/she would most likely to be me. Another Peter Pan or Wendy. I would want them to grow up in a restriction-less environment and let their creativity runs wild. I want them to have the things that I can’t have and beyond. At the same time, teach them the ways of the world to prevent others from hurting them. Always be truthful to oneself and live life to the fullest. That should be their motto for life, not mine. ‘coz mine’s always decided…It can’t be undone…I’m weak and I caused the downfall of myself and I blame no one.
All said and done, I wouldn’t want my children to be like me, would I?
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