LOST!!

Feel so lonely all of a sudden…dun knw y..jus feel v alone n lost…e world’s a cruel pl 2 live in..a pl not fit 4 any gd ppl..

Knowing ppl now has become a practice jus 2 get u where u wanna b…it’s no longer bcoz u wanna knw tt person bcoz u lik him/her but 4 e sake of it..it’s so damn bloody pointless…long gone r true friends where u can trust yr life w them. Ppl r pretentious n their goal in life is to go s far s they possibly can n getting any1 out of their way.

Suddenly a nice quiet secluded beach is all I wanna b rite now…w no 1 in sight except young children n baby animals…they’re most innocent in tis stage..so pure, so peaceful, so beautiful…adults can nvr emulate them no matter hw hard they try…it’s beginning to form in my mind tt I MAY NEVER gonna hv kids, coz I’m not confident I can raise them up well enough to adapt 2 this world or to my standards… n I can’t control them once they grow up n fly out of the nest.

Having an emotional roller-coaster of late. Had seen these programs on tv over the wkend..Extreme Makeover-Home Edition n Three Wishes…it’s v emotional…I even shed tears during the show..it really makes u think whtr life is all abt making lotsa money n pursuing over the finer things in life, branded goods, posh restaurants, yearly trips overseas, bungalow blah blah…is it life all abt?? I feel saddened by all these tots n wish every1 could b much simpler, kind, caring n NOT EVIL…n not harbour ill intentions of getting sth they wan (not NEED) in expense of others…I really think I should evaluate my life seriously n intently to make sure every sec I hv is not wasted on some frivolous ways..i hope those reading this blog will make the same difference s well…I’m not forcing, not encouraging…it’s nvr too late to make a change to someone else’s life..a small change goes a long way..

If I can, I will go 2 e travel agency n buy a tix n fly 2 somewhere I can b myself n b in peace w myself, at least 4 a mth…warm sun-rays, pattering rain-drops, pristine lakes, laughter frm e soul…children smiles…all these we hv taken 4 granted…I hope I can do all these fast..i dun wanna die w regrets…it’s all these simple things tt will amt 2 greater things..

Living here n having a stressful rhythm in my heartbeat really makes me or someone else’s soul/spirit, stone cold. I’m sure God didn’t wan us 2 b lik tt..i’m sure he wanted us 2 find e way..but there r wayyyyyy too much distractions 2 even find the warmth of the light at the end of the tunnel…I’m getting tired..aimless..drained..lost my motivation n drive 2 move forward…there’s isn’t much 2 look forward to..my marriage’s in crumbles..at least I feel it is…mayb it’s e best time 2 pack my bags n move 2 Down Under n become a farmer…life’s much simpler there…u eat wat u grow..quiet life..raising a family there looks lik not a bad thing aft all…things r looking up at tis pt of time. Mayb there’s too many “I” in this life of mine…n this in post…if I take away e “I”, wil it become “U” or “Us”..i dun think I’ll ever knw…not in e time being…I wanna let e selfish me surface up now n make sure I get e best, NOT in the expense of others of coz..

Not sure whtr I can ever find my significant other..e true blue girl of my dreams…jus feel my wife isn’t e 1 2 b…but I owe her too much 2 “abdandon” her now...jus doesn’t sound fair..but then hw??? Neither tis nor tt…I’m at world’s end, like the new installment of Pirates of the Caribbean...dun think I’ll or can do nth abt it in the time being, s I knw it wil hurt her as much 2 myself. I wanna b fair 2 her s well..dun wan her 2 b w me if I knw I’m gonna let her go in e future..lik they say, a woman’s youth is golden. I must giv her time 2 find a new love n start her new life if I can’t giv her myself..i knw I’m in deep shit coz I’m struggling inside me all tis while..ever since my talk with Tracy last May..my r/s w my wife has nvr been e same…e trust is broken n can nvr be mended..e love is lost, but she still love me ever so dearly..i’m guilty of 1st deg murder of killin tis r/s n swallowin her heart, whole, w/o givin anything back. I need some enlightenment frm some great soul or sage..is he comin or do I hv 2 find him??? I can’t stand it anymore..i’m sooooo weak in matters of e heart..always wishy-washy over such things. I gotta b firm tis time..can’t let Irene suffer w me, if I can’t giv her wat she wants, Love.

I knw I’m not born 2 do great things..inventin new things, save e world, famous artistes…but I knw I’m special frm a v young age..creative, if u put it in a nice way…doin wat e others not doin n not following e norm, is wat they say..sensitivity is nvr a gd trait 2 hv in a guy until e late 90s n early 2000..till now, some still frown upon it…but some ladies lik it..more sensitive 2 their needs n wants..however, more women r becoming more masculine (in character) n e guys more feminine. Seems like e roles hv interchanged..but I say, it’s intertwined. It makes us more capable of handling diff things n ustanding ea other views better n b more compromising..but it’s nvr e way…haha..dun knw y..beats me..guys!! U gotta step up n buckle down 2 biz. Continue being a SNAG but step up e man factor, chromosome X, masculinity…yr balls r at stake!! I, myself is a SNAG…mayb tooooo much of it..tt’s y I’m doubting my masculinity..m I’m destined 2 b a female?? Hell NO!! coz I’m more interested in tits than having a stick up my ass!! Tt’s DEFINITE! Kekee.. :p

Gonna set my heart out 2 learn new things tis summer…wil need 2 go thru CCs or diff language schs 2 get e course I wan…primarily, learning Malay, Italian or Spanish…n cookin…I love learnin new things tt I LIKE..not forced…will take up competitive cyclin if I got e time n spare money. I’m crossing my fingers now, tt I can accomplish at least 2 of these tis yr…*crossin my fingers n toes realllll hard* I need 2 do new things 2 keep my life interesting…I can’t stay in a pl 4 too long..i’ll fidget n complain. So it will b gd if I can get these things done. J

Oh well..i think I’m been naggin n not doin anything..gotta go do sth now…play CM4!!!