Jealousy: A Poison

Getting emotional again…by the way I’m writing, I know it’s gonna be a damn long posting of me and my twirly, whirly roller coaster ride of sian-ness. Haiz….lost my edge again. For the umpteen times, I lost interest in love AGAIN.

Last night, though was a fun outing, I couldn’t swallow it down when they tell C that tonight gonna be a baby-making night coz she drank a lot. It just not right when you hear such things. It all boils down to jealousy. But, WHO AM I TO HARBOR SUCH FEELINGS??!! At that point of time, I just wanna go home and hide myself under the sheets. I felt limp all of a sudden. I lost interest in winning money, and my laughter becomes very superficial. And to think, I have to listen to such things over the course of the night, it’s a torture!

I felt like crying bcoz, why do I have to go through all these..??!! I’m eligible enough to find a single girl, but nooooo, I have to find those with other martial status in the dictionary. I’m just a man slut!!…Throughout the night, I was just hallucinating about how I would find a nice girl, settling down and put this behind me….all the way till I reached home. But it’s still a fantasy. I think I really don’t deserve such happiness anymore. Not ever since I destroyed someone else’s. I reckon this is what you called, trials and tribulations.

It was so near, but we couldn’t even share a single word. Not even a “Hi”. It was really dumb that we had to resort to sending text to one another. Even CW shared a moment with her. And I’m even dumb enough to think I would be able to share a private moment with her, even for a few minutes in the prelude to this retreat. I was really naïve. 27 years on and still thinking there’s a prefect outcome. Where the fuck have I been all this time??!!!!!! Fairy tales don’t come true. GET A GRIP!!!

Seriously, I don’t know why I even bothered about this thingy. It’s really non-communicable, non-physical and we don’t even date!!! What kind of affair is it??!! Is there a name for it???!!!

Ya, there is. It’s called, “Get-a-life-and-get-yourself-a-woman syndrome”. In Chinese saying, simply put it…fan jian.

So this is how it feels like. A 2nd class citizen. I don’t think it’s even befitting to categorize me in that class. I’m worst than that. I’m like, 2nd class in a 3rd world country. Poor of the poorest. Totally rid of my dignity, pride and manhood. There ain’t anything worst than that.

I officially lost hope in love, and finding anyone in my lifetime. I’m sooo done with it.

Tears welling, heart aching, body quivering. Is that what I should be feeling, for being in the position I’m in now? Or should I be feeling otherwise?

I honestly need a love guru right now. hahahahah…I’m so bad in regaining my self-esteem right now, that everything is so meaningless to me at this very instance. I hadn’t had this feeling in ages. Not ever since the thought of annulling came to me. It’s a tough choice and bothered me in the months that came. This could take at least 6 months before I can regain my foothold and gain faith again. I’m so drama, but it’s true. I think Su can relate to me, perfectly. Coz she’s a drama queen too!! Kekekek… :p

If this event can’t even get us talking, I don’t know what will. It should be clear to me all along, but I just refuse to take off that blind in front of me. But now, I think I know what I should do. Doing so much, but gaining nothing. A BIG FAT ZERO. Not even a hug, let along a kiss.

Brain waves:
***stop torturing yourself Nick!!! She ain’t worth all that trouble. Focus your energy on someone who’s worth all your love and passion. Go out and meet new girls and have the guts to talk to them/date them. Have balls my friend!! Stop wallowing up in self-pity. Be a man!***

Bitching, Gossip, LOVE, Disappointed, Hatred...

This week is the BEST!!! I’m only writing bcoz it’s only the day I’m NOT having a date of sorts. Hahahah…

Monday, met up with the beloved Agnes for dinner and a eventually, it turned out to be a bitching good time!! hahaha…we poured out our life stories in the short 3 hours and gained insight on one another’s life and personality. It’s such a fuzzy feeling to have found another listening ear. Yayy!!! :) And I’ve freaking no idea why I told her so much in 1 session, that I could have told Jo in many. Kekeke….I guess, to find someone to talk to, nowadays, can be an uphill task. Everyone’s busy and buzzing with their own lives. It’s tough!!! Girls are just better listener than guys. PERIOD!!

So came Tuesday. Met up with Ben and Shang for our usual dinner and kopi session. Food’s great but the tea is a ripped off!! Hahahah…rather pay 80cents and drink at kopi tiam. :( …Anyway, just found out Ben’s gonna propose this coming October in Japan to his 1yr old girlfriend. It’s kinda fast but who am I to say, when I myself did the exact same thing 3 years back. He’s adamant and our advice just fell on deaf ears. But I guess he’s more level-headed than me, so he should know what he’s in for. And Shang, already proposed, popped a $9K diamond ring, quit his job and further his studies. Cool thing is, knowing that he’s gonna be the ONLY professor friend I would EVER make in my lifetime. Hahahahah…he’s gonna be NEO. The ONE!! The one who will make the 1st $1,000,000!!!! Hahahahah…

But on a honest note, when they told me then, I felt like I’m gonna lose another 2 more friends to marriage. They thought I’m just be emotional and paranoid, but they don’t know what the marriage thing's gonna do to them loh. Though I gave them my blessings, but deep down, I know I’ll see less of them and losing my circle of close knitted pals to this inevitable cycle of life. Another thought also came to mind. Get a girlfriend and settle!! It’s easier said than done. Somehow, I feel like a lone ranger and don’t really yearn for company, but on the other hand, keep complaining about the quality ones are already snapped up. Anyway, I’m a born contradict. Target for 2nd half of 2009 still remains the same: find me a girlfriend/companion…whatever!!

Lastly, came the mid-week delight: My bi-annual meet-up with Jo, Shan and Chrisen. We really were a rowdy bunch. We laughed and made a huge racket wherever we went. Hahahah…it was fun poking at each other, and it made us young again. The feeling of seeing old friends rekindled the kind of feeling, you can’t get anywhere. And all of us agreed. :)..I really wished time would stop for us last night. We could just talked for hours and hours. We were only let down by time and our day job. We shared interesting facts, gossips and the usual girly stuff. And Shan is our clubbing queen!!! Yayy!!! Hahahaah….she’s the grand master of cheong-ing now. Shi fu!! Kekekeek… :p

Hope that our gathering will increase in size and shorten the frequency, will ya?! 2 years is a freaking long time leh…at least make it ½ yearly man…ok?? :p

Looking forward to Friday but the special one is sick and it’s still 50/50 whether she’s going to the gathering. I’ve been longing for this day since 2 weeks back. And now she’s down with the bloody flu bug..Humbug!!! It’s just not fair!!! Why do YOU have to deprive me the only time I can see her!!??? Is it Your way of telling me to back off?? Then please get Cupid to do his job, and I shall be on my way!!!! Aaarrrggghhh!!!!

I’m depressed, sad, annoyed and practically listless that I lost my mojo. Haiz….I don’t ask much, but still such a joke has to be played on me, time and time again.

I’m lost………..

ICT’s looming and to hell with it. What I’m gonna write (or thinking to write) is so anti, that I’ll be arrested if they read it. So, please use your imagination and the superlatives that I will use to describe it……..

Hoping for a more fruitful August, and the impending Halloween party that we’re gonna organize. Red indians and cowboys??? Kekeke :p

Finding a girlfriend is HARDER than finding a JOB!!!

Received a call from Yanfen last Tuesday. And guess what?! She rang just to ask me whether I wear boxers!!?? What the HELL!!??? Hahahah…I reckon it must be on sale, that’s why she rang to enquire about my size…kekeke…anymore, she told me bcoz she can’t buy for a guy friend, so I was the alternative. Oh, what the heck…I’ll wear anything that’s from the heart & FREE!!! :p

Been going back on the dot lately and I’m wondering is it a good thing or not. Work wise, it means either business’ bad or we are darn efficient. Hmmm…it’s a bit of both ba. Social wise, have been arranging dinner dates with my pals and it’s been fruitful. Exchanging experiences and gossip. It’s like renewing our friendship. It’s a great feeling and hope we can do it more often…but deep down, I know it’s gonna be tough. I don’t know when will be meet again, so it could be months or even years when we do meet up for a meaningful chat. Anyway, I don’t bother to think so far ahead.

2009 is yet to pass, and I’m already feeling I’ve been working for the longest time here. I totally enjoyed my time and the company. Everyone is great and the best time that happened. I know I know…I have repeated this over and over again. But it’s the fact!! Sometimes, how I wish someone isn’t married, and I would stand a chance to win her over. But the truth is always bitter. Why do I have to fall head over heels with the wrong status quo??!! Haiz……sometimes I even contradict myself. I yearn for affection, but yet afraid of commitment. I think I’m still not ready for a relationship yet or will I be ever ready??? This question has been ricocheting in my head for the past few weeks. I don’t know how long can I hold this man. I need a companion badly, but where/how do I get one??!! School didn’t teach me how!!!!! Hahahaha….

I seriously need a lesson on courtship. I’m really a novice in this man. All my relationships are based on friendship. I have never courted a girl out right. It’s so pai seh!!! Like what Soon told me, “..must be thick skinned..”. I guessed the reality of me remaining a bachelor well into my 30s, is soooooo real now. I’m really becoming scared now..hahahah…

My 2nd wish for this year is getting a companion or at least a close girlfriend that can blossom into something fruitful. Haiz……wish my luck folks ;)

A Great Sunday.. :)

Wah, the netball game was just the exercise I needed after 2 months of inactivity. The slack that I’d given myself is beginning to piss me off. AHM’s coming and still yet to clock the 10km mark. I think I will just die there man. Hahahaha…bloody buck up and start running again!!

Body’s slightly aching, but that’s the kind of pain I’m yearning for, for a long time. I love the aftermath of a good workout. The soreness in the muscles just makes me feel ALIVE!!! SHIOK!!!

Met up with Justin today and managed to celebrate his birthday as well. Great timing bro!! Hahahah….we went shopping and finally gotten my Pedro Oxford’s. Bloody hell, go there a zillion times but never notice that pair. Dumb ass!! Bought it straightaway but wrong size….stupid!!!! Thank God I rope in my sis to exchange it for me tomorrow…kekekek…my mind just went dumb as leather will expand after time. IDIOT!!! Anyway, it’s a great Sunday, even though it rained the whole afternoon and night. :)

My D&D ensemble is almost complete…still left with the ever-impossible-to-find brooch. Guess I really have to make a trip down to Chinatown and Bedok to find this treasure of mine. Wish me luck!!!

Report Card for 1st half of 2009

Just popped by my blog & saw that in the month of June, there’s only 1 entry…hahahaha…wayyyy below standard…kekeke :p…

My shopping trips had really taken a toil on me. Been crazily hunting down items for my D&D. Still left with the elusive crystal encrusted flower brooch that would instantly jazz up my outfit. And the most irritating part is not able to buy a pair of shoes that fits me!!! Aaarrggghh!! Got money but cannot buy. I could easily splurge on 2 pairs of Onitsukas and 2 pairs of Oxford’s, but I can’t :(….back to square one. Only left with 2 weeks and still left dangling with the missing items, it’s bloody frustrating. I don’t wanna spent my weekends shopping, and yet can’t find anything. I got better things to do loh…like swimming, seeing my granny, TV and MSN with Ms C. SHIT!!!

C and I got pretty tight lately and it’s a nice feeling but in the back of my mind, I just refused to admit this would not last. Stubbornly as I might be, both of us know the outcome will be empty, but still pursue it, regardless. She’s the one who tell me to find my own happiness, as she knows she can’t fulfill the “full” package of a partner. We both totally understand, but I guess I’m just stubborn. I just know I’m happy right now and don’t want it to end. Being single and with no love interest can be depressing and boring, so she came in at a right time, and it’s mutual. No harm done, so far. *cross fingers*. Anyway, we both agree that when the time comes for us to make a decision, then we will make it.

2009 has been great as of now, but I hope the 2nd half will be even better. Love interest would be my main concern, since I’ve secured a job. Hahahaha…Like they say, having all the money in the world, but no one to share the happiness with, is really a very sucky thing. I’m full of love and willing to give it whoever dares to cross the boundary. I’m ready for a new relationship…I’M READY FOR YOU. Bring it on!!

........but I still love my baby girl…. ;)

My grandpa had gone for 15 days and everything is pretty much back to “normal”. The mourning is over and everyone’s concentrating on my grandma’s well-being and visiting her as often as possible. Somehow the passing of my grandpa brought the family closer and I got to know my cousins even better now. So I guess, it’s a good thing….and that’s what he wanted also. :)

For the past few weeks, I’d been indulging on good food and spending readily. It’s unwise and I really gotta get back to being prudent again. I need my trusty diary to record my expenses. That should get me back on track real fast. Rich food can really clog up the arteries, you know. Hahahhahaa…bland food can also be tasty as well!! Will have to go on a cheap and good diet for the coming weeks. I’ll only allow myself to let go in the weekends, if necessary. ;)

Gotten my 1st pay cheque and the itch to spend is getting horrendous. Everything I see, I have to get it. It’s not as though I can live without it, it’s actually quite essential. Like a good selection of tees, and shoes. I really need to do a mass exodus of my wardrobe, before putting any fresh clothes in. My bar seems about to give way any time soon man. Saw some nice tees at a local designer shop @ Iluma, and Bugis Junction. It’s on sale, and it’s so damn nice!!! And shoes, so they are so darn important as well. I totally need brown loafers and Oxford’s. Those will really complete my look!!

Lowdown:

Tees:
1. Iluma – 3 for $45
2. Bugis Junction - $35 per piece…about 3 required.

Shoes
1. Pedro
- brown loafers for $93
- brown Oxford’s for $126
- grey Oxford’s for $123.

I could easily spend $600 today. Just one trip!!! But taken account of my free-spending ways these few days, I decided to pull the reins and reconsider. It’s a huge outlay and I think I’ll feel the pinch. Maybe I would need MORE criteria tagged to my selection before opening my wallet. Thank God I don’t have much of a shopping mood and splurge today, if not I would have bought the brown Oxford’s back. :p

Oh ya, the biggest change is to my D&D outfit. Most probably going the geek chic way. And also bcoz after some great suggestion from my friends. So, geek chic it is!! So, that will need additional attire and will set me back by a neat sum. Hopefully I can do it within a $100 budget. :)

Items required:
1. black rimmed glasses
2. black or grey vest
3. maybe a hair setting session @ a salon

I can do w/o the salon, but I would need lotsa gel man…way lot!! Kekekeke…

Anyway, that’s what been happening for the past month or so…keep on reading for more updates.. ;) I’ll do so if I’m not busy on weekdays…I’m doing OT every single day, so pray hard I’m free..kekekeek…

Ciao!!

Shocking News!!!

Had the biggest shock yesterday when I read the emails. MT is gonna be promoted!! WHAT THE HELL!!?? On what grounds, may I ask??!!…to me, he’s just slack and knows when to do what, that’s all. Maybe he’s a ball sucker, so that’s why. Maybe, just maybe it’s bcoz of his capabilities, which I couldn’t see, that projected him into the managerial position.

Anyway, that’s just the beginning of this snowball. The repercussion leads to Gimmy redeploy back to HQ, and me holding the fort in time to come. Even KG will only be there for once or twice a week. Oh man, what news when the excitement of new working partner is still so raw. The thought of rotating staff is so enticing that, as fast as it comes, it died down fast too. It’s a BIG BLOW to me loh. I thought I would have lunch kaki, but now it seems that I would have to lunch-in for the time I’m working here. Haiz…….sian…..it’s tough working when there’s help around. Imagine when there isn’t any. It will be a mental house, I tell you. I reckon my OT claims will be so high, it could make up 50% of my pay!! And it will be all too easy to hit that target.

I enjoy the time I share with Gim, and the working relationship we had built over the last months. We had everything going for us…and this just have to happen. Well, in a career prospects viewpoint, it’s a good move for both and I should congratulate them. But on a personal level, I just wish he didn’t have to move back. We both share the same mindset, i.e. workaholics, and share the same chemistry. I’m still skeptical whether I can form a great partnership with KG, but time will tell and I hope I’m prove wrong….really, I really hope so..

Finding Love at the Wrong Places

I don’t know what got into me lately. Involving myself with unrequited love is just a big no-no. Though deep down, I can sense there’s a tinge of liking of me to her, the status quo is just impossible. Why am I always getting myself in such predicament? It’s like forcing a square block into a circle jigsaw. It’s just silly!! The correct thing to do is to back off and change my target. Somehow I just have a thing for girls who aren’t single. I JUST CAN’T EXPLAIN IT. I don’t purposely find them. They just appear in my life. We ended up acquainted and become close friends. That’s good, but my over-zealous of spreading love just isn’t in control all the time. Spreading to the wrong person is just a waste of time, but I can’t help it!

The fact that I’m single and no one to inject my love into, makes me wanna find someone close and spoil her silly. I know there’s not gonna be any outcome, but I still do it nonetheless. People might ask me why waste time and should change to more viable targets, but the fact is, there isn’t any targets available!? And in Singapore, it ain’t easy to find someone I’m comfortable with and have loads to talk about. It might come to a point that I may have to join the SDU, find a foreign bride or stay single all my life. It’s not impossible, by the way things are churning out.

Honestly, after the 1st marriage, I’m afraid of commitment already. Having to face up in-laws and her relatives, ain’t gonna be an easy task. It’s the rite of passage, but it ain’t gonna work for me anymore. I can’t be hypocritical for the sake of things. I’m just like that. I don’t like to entertain people whom I have no dealings with and often wants my respect. I can’t do that. If you want me to get a girl with conservative background, I will definitely think twice about marrying her. I’ve done that, and don’t want to repeat it again. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s just not my “cup of tea”. Marriage is not a union of 2 persons, it's a union of 2 families and its extended family. Think about it, people.

Having too much affection to give, who should I give to and still receive it back in kind?? I’m in a lost. How I yearn for a relationship, but all the nitty gritty details of courtship is just sickening to the core. If things can be simpler, all will be too easy and I’ll never gonna cherish her. I’m such a contradict! I’m even pissed off with myself at times. I don’t even know what I want. Such a letdown at times. WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING!!!???

Like they always say, “Have girlfriend also headache, no girlfriend also headache”. Hahahah…people or should I say, man, is also very fickle minded. When they have it, they complain. And when they don’t, they also complain. Such a wuss. I think I fit in perfectly in this category. Hahahaha…

Now that I’ve a job, my mind automatically channels my energy to finding a mate. I reckon it’s hardwired in our hard-drive. It’s instinct. When you have food, you will want to find a mate. It’s the same in the modern times. When you have a stable job, the next progression is getting a wife. It’s that simple. Basically we don't deviate too much from our ancestors 2 millions ago.

I don’t know about the future, and I don’t wish to know. But I truly hope there’s a silver lining for me to look forward to in years to come. I know deep down, I do yearn for companionship, especially when the surrounding people are tied down with their careers and family. It’s a natural progression. I don’t and can’t blame them. They are just heeding the call of nature to reproduce. I do hope SHE can come sooner than later, kill my boredom and let me feel loved again.

Maturity vs Cuteness

This week has been great so far. And it can only get better. :) I guess after dishing out the “orientation pack” (the name that my Auntie Irene gave for the sweets I gave) to my colleagues, that should strengthen the bond between them and me. And I totally love that idea!! Giving joy now has just become my priority…hahahhaah…I felt so relieved and delightful after doing that deed. It’s like I’m floating. Deep down, I’m just glad my integration into the team is quite seamless, thanks to my auntie and Gimmy. Both should have bridge the gap for me, so I’m very happy to have them as my mentors. :)

I saw Miss Japan again and the femininity she eluded proved that, once again I’m attracted to maturity than cuteness. It’s the old age question of maturity vs youth. I can’t explain it, but I keep attracting older women and I totally have a thing for them. It’s the aura of maturity and ageing (sometimes it’s the wrinkles that add to the whole look…laugh lines can be sexy too) that keeps me from wanting them. It’s like a drug and you can’t kick it away. Cuteness can only bring you so far, but to be mature and able to hold oneself, that’s not every girl can. So if I come across any of them, I’m totally in awe and worship them…hahahahaha…

GOOD week and I’m TOTALLY looking forward to the weekend!!! Yayyy!!! So much to buy and check out…here’s the list and you might want to give some suggestions.. :)

1. Jacket for D&D (buy or rent…)
2. Brown Oxford’s
3. Brown loafers
4. Brown belt
5. Cuffed shirt (yellow, pink, white…)

Think that’s enough for this week…and I should check out Tampines 1 next week!! Swee!!!

Happy Mother's Day?

This time round, my forgetfulness has really done the deed. I've forgotten my colleague's mum had passed away and still wished her, Happy Mummy's Day and that she must be having a great time with her....WHAT THE FUCK!!!! That was the 1st reaction I gave myself when I realised it...What stupidity loh...she might think I'm super insensitive, but I swear I didn't do it on purpose. Long time friends who know me, knew that I have short term memory..so they can vouch for me. I hope my friendship with my colleague has not been jeopardised bcoz of that, even though she didn't blame me for it.

Since afternoon, I've been feeling very bad about the whole incident. I felt like an ass!! I swear I'll forever remember this day and keep it firmly etched in my mind. Stupid brain!!!.... :(

Wrinkles & Dry Skin

I think this posting gonna kill all my readers out there. My mum said I got wrinkles, and I have more than her when I smile!!! Hahahahaha….She said bcoz I’m losing weight all that fats have been displaced and nothing filled the void, so the lines are super obvious. Kekekek…I just told her I’m showing signs of wisdom. Hahahahahah….Anyway she’s right lah. Do you ever see a fat person with wrinkles?? No rite…so it’s just plain obvious.

Another thing is, during dinner, my auntie commented that my skin is dry and need moisturizer and sunblock. Wah!!! Like that she also can tell. Power loh!! I reckon it’s bcoz of my Saturday’s swim that made it even obvious. But then again, she got a point. So, I said I’m gonna moisturize and apply sunblock religiously from now on….except when I swim and exercise. Kekekeke :p it’s such a hassle to apply all those yucky stuff on my face. I’m an au naturel guy, so putting those stuff makes me feel very eeky. YUCKS!!! Anyway, if it’s just moisturize and sunblock, then that I can do. :)

I’ll be a good boy from now on… :p listen to your mummy and you’ll never go wrong. Happy Mummy’s Day!!!

The Induction Week

This has been a hell of a week. Ever since I turned permanent on Monday, I’ve been super busy. It’s as if the last 4 months is just an illusion and what comes after that is the true test of grit and perseverance. I’ve been doing OT almost every single day. Though I’m not complaining, but I’m wondering how much longer can I take this. I didn’t know what I’m in for when I signed the papers. The workload was easier, but after I signed on the dotted line, it seems that the magical moment has burst and welcome to misery. Hahahah… :p haiz……don’t know whether to smile or cry. Oh well, I’ll take it as a challenge and see how far I can push myself. Just like how I completed my last 2 marathons.

LET’S DO IT!!!!

And when the stress kicks in, the yearning for alcohol heightens. Gotten my fix with Charles and what a relief it was. Beer and fried chicken wings…yummy!!! Doing this once a fortnight could do the trick for me. Any more than that, I will go broke. Kekekek… :p

BOING BOING...

My adidas Cumulus just went BOING-ing away when I laced them up. Bloody hell, I felt that I’m bouncing on a ball!!! It gave me the headaches for the 1st 2.5km and after which, I slowed down my pace to minimize the BOING-ing. It’s plain crazy!! Hahahah…shouldn’t have bought such high cushioning type. Maybe my next shoe will be a mixture of stability and cushioning…I think that should do it. :)

Walking Upright Again..

Done and dusted. Finally after 7 arduous months without a job, it came full circle and offered a permanent job in my current company. The 1 person I must truly thank (from the bottom of my heart) is my senior, Gimmy. I reckon, without his persistent recommendation, I wouldn’t have gotten it on my own merit. Ever since I was told I would not be offered this role, months ago, I had already given up…except for him. That’s why I’m really grateful to have met such a great colleague and now, a friend.

God must have given me a benefactor, in the shape of Gimmy, to help me tide through these tough times. And indeed it does soothe the occasional mental breakdown and his on-going encouragement has really helped tremendously. What made yesterday a great day was, I’m offered 2 jobs in a space of a few hours. And today, a possible 3rd. I’m really flattered that people are seeing me as a hard-worker and able to contribute consistently. Especially I was touched and humbled that the previous offer I turned down, was actually impressed during my 1hr time with them and on the spot offered me. If that is not good enough, when I rejected them today, the manager even called, hours later, to offer me the job with open arms if I were to change my mind. Suddenly I’m at the top of the world, and for no apparent reason! Life can be playing a trick on you and the highs and lows can have devastating effect on one’s sanity.

And instead of floating upwards after signing the letter, I told myself to be composed and keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. I guess it’s becoz I’d gone through so much that I only want to work hard and have a simple life. All that raw excitement has to be placed in the backseat for the time being.

I’m just glad I get a decent job and able to provide for my family again. That has always been my proudest moment, i.e. to be able to contribute to the daily expenses and take care of my family. I guess that’s what pushed me to get a job on a permanent basis.

And maybe becoz some romance has been flying around the atmosphere that made my luck changed for the better. Good vibes have been coming off the right way and hence portraying me in the right/good light. But no matter what is the cause, I’m sure glad to have a job in this time of need. Indeed.

Nothing else matters more than drawing a salary and resuming my dignity to its rightful place. A man with no job is like a pugilist without his skills. He’s crippled and forever unable to stand tall with his head held high. That’s the feeling I have for the past ½ year. I feel so small and unwilling to walk the streets, fearing that I would bump into familiar faces, and not knowing what to say when asked about my current status quo. To me, I’m just ashamed to face it, but it’s still a decent job and revealed it nonetheless. It’s difficult to walk among people when you’re jobless. Your confidence takes a beating and your self-esteem just went from 0 to another record low. It’s off the charts!

I’m not sure if anyone reads my blog, but I would just wanna give thanks who have supported me throughout this ordeal and help me tremendously and keeping me sane. I swear I would have gone to depression if I were without these people. But I’m sure my willpower isn’t that bad either. Kekeke…Positive thinking does really helps to keep your sanity in check. Without that, my mind would definitely give way months back.

Uni Degree: Necessary or Junk??

Is getting a university degree easier now than compared to 7-8yrs ago? I feel there’s a tinge of YES in my mind. Coz everyone is taking this paper qualification and passing it without breaking a sweat. Or maybe the institutions that they enrolled themselves in, are of sub-standard quality? Or maybe, just maybe, that I underestimated myself and my learning capability?? Kekekek…I beg to differ but really, maybe I’m really that stupid. :p

Even Justin is contemplating to taking his Masters next year, which I feel it’s a good thing but not necessarily useful if you’re not successful in your job. You may be over-qualified for that position that you so dearly wants, but you are deemed “too good” for it. That’s why getting such a high level of education may defeat the purpose, unless you really are interested in the course of studies, then yes, please do ahead and satisfy that thirst for knowledge. Unless you’re hungry for success in the corporate life, then getting that cert is important to ease your way up the ladder. Coz I always feel that you can’t have a clerk holding a Masters while his boss is only diploma, right??!! That’s the case in my previous job. But then again, they will argue that experience counts. So, my point is, getting experience is more relevant in the working life than chasing paper.

You just have to weigh the pros and cons. If you feel you need this to succeed, then you have my utmost support…but if not, then getting a Bachelor is more than suffice in the working world…at least in our time. 10, 20yrs down the road, it might be a different case altogether.

Picturesque!!!

Wasting a perfectly good day is a SIN!! And today is 1 of them. The blue sky, the bright green flora as backdrop is so vivid and vibrant that I wish that scene could just stand still forever. It’s so picturesque. But, I just couldn’t bring myself out of the house!! Hahahah…lazy me.. :p The weather’s best to go for a swim, a jog or just laze around in the sun @ Fort Canning Park!! I even thought of going to Bedok Reservoir to get some shots of the beautiful water feature. If I could get a companion, I would go straight away. :)

So sayang…………

A Pack of Ciggies???

Gotten help from the least expected places….through Facebook from my secondary school classmate. The thing is, we hardly had anything to say to each other then. There were definitely less than 10 words we conversed during our 2 years in lower sec. But still, she offered to help when she saw my “distress” signal via my heading. That was so so sweet/nice and definitely HEART WARMING (I think it’s my 2nd or 3rd time using this word in consecutive days).

Alice was the last person I knew who would lend a hand. We weren’t close then (for sure) and we only got in contact like few months ago. So, I really appreciate her help….from way deep down. I also had friends like YS to send his regards and the latest to join the bandwagon was Xiao Long. I guess it’s really comforting to know that people do care about people; no matter how minute the offering was, it’s the gesture and thought that put into it. That’s huge enough for me. And oh ya, Su. She’s 1 hell of a supporter too. Hahhaha…I was always there for her listening to her shit and stuff and the time had finally came for her to do the same for me, and she promptly did it, w/o me asking. And that’s COOL. *pump fist to the heart*

Lately, I’ve likened my state to the current economy. I was doing very well for the past 3 years until the bubble burst in Sept 08, and everything went downhill from there. It’s EXACTLY the replica of what the economy is right now. There’s always bad news every single hour. You hear it everywhere; news, radio, word of mouth. It’s practically in the air we breathe. There’s no escaping. So I’m just praying hard traces of recovery can be sighted soon, so maybe my own luck will do the same concurrently. Hahahaah…it’s funny but I think it’s related. You cannot be lucky all the time, but similarly, you cannot be suay all your life. There’s yin and yang, and the balance must almost be met in life. So, I’m just waiting for that day to come...

Shout out to all you guys out there who showed your care/concern. Really appreciate it…every single drop of it. Love ya guys!!

I hope I can get out of this rut faster and emerging a stronger person. I really do. Hope that time will come soon.

Meeting my Dream Girl

Remember the time when you get so much forwarded texts that you get sick of it? I knew I was. But that was about 7-8 years ago, when everyone is banging on the technology to send their greetings/jokes/rumors. It’s still is now. Just that, I don’t receive it until my colleague sent me yesterday. It felt like a gazillion years ago when I received my first ever forwarded text. Hahahah…In the past, I would think the people who created those texts must be either too free or damn happy people. But now, after so long, it’s nice and heart-warming to receive one again. It felt like someone does care about your well-being, be it whole-heartedly or hypocritically….when it needed most. It still meant something. At least they bother to send. :)

Another happy thing to note today is, I saw my dream Japanese girl again. She lived opposite Tiong Bahru Plaza. So whenever I waited for the shuttle, I might have the chance of seeing her. Today on my way back, I saw her!! That really made my day. She’s all what I want in a prefect woman. Slender, long locks of flowing hair, mesmerizing eyes and those irresistible pluckers. Her demeanor is so captivating, her every move is so precise and always wearing a smile on her face, all the time. She’s at least into her 30s and possibly married. But I’m always attracted to mature ladies for some reason. I guess it’s the femininity that made me head over heels. It’s like aged wine. Awwwwww….the feeling you get is, you wish you can protect her with all your life, even means dying for her. You know that feeling?? It’s the first time I have such strong feeling for someone I don’t know..!? kekekek…what irony…I guess, I should get myself a Japanese wife somehow or rather. :p

p.s. doesn’t mean I’m giving up my ang mohs ok…kekeke :p

2009 Analogy

每人年年进步, 但我却年年退步.

每人年年越做越好, 但我却越来越糟!!!

No more Self-Worth........

I’m think I’m crazier if I don’t get crazy at the circumstances I’m in right now. Jobless and losing self-worth is getting to me again. I can’t stand myself anymore at my past actions. The stupid things that I had done to get myself in this mess. It’s total horrid. I got a perfectly good job and ever-compliant wife, but I gave them all up, just bcoz people say “you should job-hop to get your pay increase, faster!”…and the wife part, is all onto me, no one else to blame. All is rubbish.

I threw away a perfectly good life and end up doing part time job for $7/hr. I can’t blame anyone just bcoz I’m too trusting or too stupid to evaluate my god-damn life. I was so good at my job and I have the backing of so many people there, but I gave it all up bcoz of a “step upwards”?? Bullshit!!!! It’s XXX who bloody tell me the company wouldn’t consider increasing my pay, just bcoz 8yrs ago, they didn’t do so for XXX…but it didn’t come onto me that it might be different for me!!??? Why am I so STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! Such a nincompoop!!!!

I even have to resort to begging my old job back, but still sabotaged by other useless/backstabbing people, or else I would be back there within a week!! Whatever I say now is futile, and I can’t turn back time. So all I can do is rant my frustrations here and get on with my miserable life.

Everyone thinks that I’m not anxious/nonchalant about getting a job soon. They really think I’m still so laid-back as before and smile my way through life now?? They are so damn ignorant!!!! They thought they knew me, but they know nuts about me. My acting must be good though, giving them the wrong impression. Coz there’s really nothing they can do about it, even if I give them a grumpy face every single shit day for the past 7 months, right?? If they can, I’m more than obliged to do that to satisfy their ego.

I’m not asking for much. I just want a job to get my life back together again. Is it that difficult???!!! Is that too much to ask??!!! Why no fucking one wants to give me a chance???!!!!!! At least I’m a uni grad, with 3 yrs working experience…doesn’t that count one FUCKING BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the way home, I even contemplating whether to turn to a life of monkhood and serve the people, like all great men before me. People like Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Theresa are worth following and learnt, rather than Donald Trump and Bill Gates. I rather see a smile on an ailing man than sucking them dry of their paycheck with my proposed products/properties. What has this world come to??? I’m becoming more and more disillusioned about the last 27yrs that had past, and more importantly, how will the next 27 more years that were to come??? Will I still be a jobless wreck, still playing cool and laid-back or living comfortably with my cosy family??? It’s becoming a blur all of a sudden. Without a job, I cannot see my future. Without a future, there is definitely no self-worth.

Maybe You need me more, so can You please take me away now???!!!! End my sufferings!!!!! Let me spread your teachings to a wider audience through their dreams and thoughts. At least that will bring me joy and tranquility.