10 years from now...

I was pondering on this thought and couldn’t come to any fruitful conclusion. Or should I say, any conclusion that can satisfy my curiosity.

Given the current status quo, I believe I’m not in any position to provide for anyone, let alone a family. Hell No!! Judgment made and the verdict was, to wake up and stop having fairytale hallucinations of finding Ms Right. The fact is, with the emo vibe I’m having now, she will most probably be frightened away if she sees the state I’m in.

People say I had slimmed down, but I know it’s just words of courtesy. In other words, I look like SHIT!

The radiant color had gone and the dark circles are the mainstay on this shriveled face of mine. Lack lustre and losing the sheen on this 29-going-30 body, is just a terrible feeling.

Emotions running high and low within days and lately, the frequency is rapid and often on the wrong side of the scale. And after reading such a status update, it’s been affecting me even more.

“When will this end??!!”, is the question that I had been asking myself of late. It’s been 6 months, and she is still not over it yet. How long does she need to get over this emotional hurt? It’s not doing her any good and neither do I feel good seeing her like this.

What the hell she wants from me??!!!

I have been trying very hard to battle this bravely for as far as I can go and from what I know, I’m losing momentum and losing steam fast. I’m not getting any motivation and I’m hitting another plateau in time to come. It wouldn’t be easy to overcome this but I know I have to do it, but how????????

Thank God for the break I’m gonna take and the timing cannot be any perfect. I really do need time-off away from this place, and long trip away from this place will do me some good…Or not?

Not Good In Anything (p.s. not emo..)

Sometimes I just feel that I'm not good in anything. I'm mediocre in everything I do, be it studies, sports or work. Even in relationships, I'm just as good as everyone else! Been 10 years on, and I still can't find my niche. It's really REALLY taking its toil mentally and getting FRUSTRATING!!! :(

I don't ask for much. I just wanna be good in one thing. Just ONE! At least when I passes on, everyone will remember me for something. Something tangible, and that I contributed to society in someway.

I'm perfectly happy with being a passer-by in life, but I do hope to be someone who has his own skills, niche and what have you. Not good in something really bug me since secondary school days. I thought by growing up will help me find my niche, but I was wrong. I'm still aimless and useless as before!!! lol...

Scoring As in the bedroom department doesn't mean a thing if your life is a bottomless pit of self pity and aimlessness. I kept asking myself these questions: "What have I achieve in my life so far?; What is my purpose on this planet?; Do I have what it takes to survive this lifetime?; Will I be living my dying days, alone???"...All these questions keep surfacing in my mind from time to time during my "reflection sessions", and it's scary.

I'm not sure when my pathetic lifestyle gonna end, but I'm trying my best to kick it away. Starting from today.

Moodless, Emotional Driven..

I have been wanting to blog but never knew what to write and when I have the heart to jot it down, I'm either out or not accessible to my PC. zzzzzzz......But I want to blog would only be matters of the heart. Nothing would trouble me so much than that. Not even work related issues. Nothing come close.

I don't know where to start where you have all these thoughts flying in your head all the time. The ideas are all disorganised and in pieces. I can literally go on for hours, writing the same old matter, which I feel it's just lame. By writing will only make you realise the problems ain't that big and you just need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. I just need one ingredient to solve all this: Courage.

Things had spun out of hand a couple of weeks ago and it had simmer down to a slow boil and more manageable. But I'm getting frustrated by her swing in decisions and it's really getting into me. Patch back or split, you just tell me. Don't make my head spin, for goodness sake!! I'm really had it!!

It's my fault and I take the full blame, but decision making still lie wholly on her. I really want her to make a rational decision before she gets paranoid all her time with me. Before she gets crazy, maybe I'll go bonkers first. tsk tsk....

I know I shouldn't lose my temper, but her emotional swings are so extreme that I can't grapple with it. Once in a while, I can understand. But she can swing a couple of times in a day, and that it's tough to manage! I've been trying to understand her mood, but it's still difficult to deal with. If I were her, I would have broken off with me after discovery of the matter. No questions asked.

I know she cherish the relationship, that's why she's holding on for so long. But my heart ain't the same after the break-up in initiated in February. I force my heart to die 4 months ago. That's why I was quite reluctant to patch back. I was weak and now, I hurt her because of that. My fault, totally. :(

What I can do now is playing by the ear. I'm not sure what is install for us in the coming weeks, but I hope we can have a conclusion soon. I hope I have the strength to make the right decision for myself and for her. I only want her to overcome this and gain her foothold in life again. I made her this way, and I feel compelled to make her stand again. But whether she will allow me to help her is totally another issue.

Be True to Yourself

I guess my life is in a mess right now (isn’t it the norm??). Breaking off from a relationship and getting on to another which I’m not supposed to. It’s like everything is back to square one.

On the train ride back home, was reading through the past SMSes that she sent me, and tears were welled up in my eyes, just waiting to fall. I knew I did the right thing but I hurt another person again. :(

Why can’t she has a clearer background and we could really blossom? It’s really unfair coz things were looking up and we smoothed out a lot of issues along the way and the future is just waiting for us. But, the major obstacles were my dad and friends. I couldn’t get any blessing from them, which made things even more difficult to carry on, on my own. I didn’t tell her that, and just let her hate me. I guess, that would be better so that she can move on without any worries.

Being true to myself, I know I can’t marry her as well. I have issues too and it’s very difficult to cast it aside just like that. It’s gonna take years and maybe even counseling to make this flirtatious nature of mine dissolve.

Since the breakup, I didn’t have the time to sit down and think through this. I never had the time to cry it out. I tried to avoid everything related to her, i.e. Facebook, photos etc. But I kept the wallpaper on my mobile the same (i.e. the 2 of us) and still wearing our ring. It’s not becoz I still want her back, but to serve as a reminder of the hurtful things that I might do to another girl if cupid strikes again. I don’t think I have the courage to love again. The heartache and emotions that comes with it, just ain’t gonna make me wanna put another girl through it again. Unless I’m perfectly sure she’s the one and I’ve changed completely.

That’s why till now, I still tell people I’m still attached and the Facebook relationship status is still “In a relationship”. I didn’t wanna bother telling people I’m single now and attract unnecessary attention. I think I’ve outgrown this and just want some peace and quiet for now.

I guess it’s time I grow up and stay single for as long as possible. Stop getting into relationships, Nick!! Help those poor girls. They deserve better!!!...

…I’m sure they do. Many times over.

16.03.2011

It’s the 4^th day, and it’s tough alright. Sleep wasn’t as sweet as it used to be, and waking up in the wee hours had been a norm. Either shaken up from a dream or found myself crying till I wake up. It’s so real, but I know it wasn’t.

I know the decision I took is harsh for her, but eventually I know it’s the fairest way for her and she definitely deserve better. Deep down I know I can’t give her the full happiness that she truly deserves, and more problems will definitely prop up in the future. Most probably, the same issues repeating itself in the arguments.

After been through 2 fantastic relationships, I finally know what a person I am in a relationship and the behavior I would portray during the course of the courtship. That’s why my conclusion for my life is, not to engage into another relationship ever again. EVER!!

I hate seeing the girl hurt and going through the emotional roller coaster because of me. It’s the worst feeling ever! I did say in every relationship that I only give her happiness and the tears that they will shed, will only be happy tears. Maybe like what I perceived of my lifetime, I should stay away from girls unless I know I can give them a lifetime of happiness instead of a short term one.

After what I had been through, I truly know the real, deeper meaning of love and how relationship is supposed to be run. I shouldn’t keep changing her wholesale but to love her for who she really is, coz that’s what both of them did for me. It makes me feels really small and insignificant. If she can overlook my flaws, why can’t I??? I believe that’s the thing that keeps me from enjoying myself in a relationship, and once I can embrace that, I believe I can fall in love again. But it’s gonna be a long process, and it may never come true. So, singlehood is the way to go for now.

I realized I’m as selfish as any other person but I didn’t know the degree of selfishness I have in me until I went through the relationships. Selfish by not letting the person into my life fully. Subconsciously, I’m doing that all the time. I’m still very protective of my own privacy and free time. Anyone crosses that boundary, I’ll be pissed off. And when she told me the about the same thing, I couldn’t agree more. For the 2 relationships that matters to me most, I didn’t really immersed myself fully into the relationship (even though I thought I did). I’m just lousy…so in that sense, I didn’t put in enough effort into the relationships.

Many issues surfaced and spiraling inside my head, and I’m trying to kill it all with 1 single blow. Even after this break-up, the issues that “belong” to me, need to be rectified by myself before embarking into another relationship. I reckon that will be the biggest challenge of my life.

Though sad, I take away many valuable lessons and I feel heartened, I did what I had to do, before she takes it even worst if the relationship takes deeper roots. It’s a harsh reality, but I hope she will see the true intention of me doing this. She will find her own happiness after “cleansing” herself in this relationship, and bringing with her new values and lessons for her next one. :)

I would always love her and I know I wouldn’t deserve any love in this lifetime, coz my calling is to spread it and not owning it. ;)

I said that long ago, and I’m repeating it again. I’m really beginning to believe I’m a cupid in disguise… :)

2010..moving into 2011.. ;)

Well well, the 1st post of 2011. I had just saw the entries I posted in the whole of 2010 is less than the number of fingers on my left hand. 4!!! YES, 4 for the whole of last year. Hahahaah…well, I’m not surprised by the numbers, coz I couldn’t even remember the last entry that I did! :p

Anyway, 2010 is really just about me and Nana. There’re a lot of mini quarrels and mega ones as well. It’s so huge that we almost broke up. We have doubts about one another in different periods of the relationship. We managed to talk things through but I know she will never forget, by the way she keeps bringing out past issues. I hated that and she knew it. What I can say now is, I’ve know myself better and what I want in a relationship and maybe in life as well.

But if I see it from other angle, I’m more at ease with myself and in my own skin. Somehow, marriage is no longer in my mind and my bio-clock somehow ain’t ticking so furiously…or maybe it stopped altogether? But I do know, I wanna have kids of my own. :)

Luckily, my life didn’t surround just BGR, there’s other things that happened as well. Like my friend, Serene and best bud, Soon getting hitched. Joyous occasions are always a time to reflect and melt in the romantic atmosphere. ^^ There’s few more coming up this year, i.e. Justin and Seng’s. Yum Yum…can’t wait!!! Kekeekk…

And there’s also a life changing experience for my baby sis. Having gone through a surgery few years back, she went through 2 in December alone!! It’s super brave of her, and my parents ought to be worried sick. I can’t help it by trying to stay home more and spending more time with my sis. Life’s really unpredictable and can take away your loved ones without your consent. So, cherish your family before it’s too late peeps.

2010 is fantastic as other years had been for me, and 2011 is not gonna be any different. It’s how you gonna differentiate and perceive life, that gonna make the greatest impact in your life ahead.

Have a great year ahead my dear gfs, and stay Positive and Cheery!! ;)

It's Coming to an End.......

Why am I doing this to myself??? I’m really asking for it….I reckon there’ll be no sympathy from anyone coz they already told me the hard facts and still I lunge in into this near impossible relationship.

I’m really at my breaking point now……I need someone to talk to. I need advice. I need a listening ear. I need a leaning shoulder….Why am I doing this to myself???

I’m tired now. I can’t find strength to carry this relationship further. It’s affecting my work, my life and everything I do I can’t find the same enthusiasm. :(

Maybe the time is up for me to give up after 4 months of intensive hard work. Hard work mainly on my part. She did try, but maybe it just died down or not up to my mark. I just can’t feel it anymore. Whatever it is, I simply can’t find any reasons to move on with her. She blows hot and cold. And I can never know her true feelings and thoughts. She’s an enigma.

I’m just trying to make each passing day as happy as can be, but the strength to smile is diminishing by the minute. I can’t force myself to smile as radiantly as before. It will be hypocritical to say I’m very happy and see how each day brings us. I don’t want a short term relationship. It would simply be wasting my time and hers as well. She may never wanna get married again, but I do. So, maybe it’s time to let go and move on. I’ve not be able to get the same commitment since Day 1 and I may never get it in Day 100. I’ll be lying to myself and thinking she would, but the effect is slow and time waits for no man. I’m impatient and want things my way, but with her, I can’t. Things can never happen the way I want it to be. Plans will change or postpone, which I’m still trying to grasp the notion of “going with the flow”. I wanna go by schedule, by timeline for once….

I may be laid-back, but not as laid-back to the effects of non-planning. I HATE IT!!!! I HATE LAST MINUTE CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s no planning together, but only me alone. Everything is planned and executed by ME…ALONE…!!! I’m not calculative, but I just want her to get involved in the planning stage. It will do a whole lot good for the relationship. Get involved or get prepared to be shipped out!!

She’s so nonchalant about everything involving us, whereas, with her friends or family, she’s so hands-on and responsive. Am I such an easy person to be bullied??? That’s why they say, “Good guys always finish last” and ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. Can’t some nice girl come forth into my life and give me the same happiness that I would grant her???

New Relationship, New Commitment, New Goals

It's been a longgggggg while since my last post. kekekeek...sorry 2 my girlfriends who are so eager to know what's going on in my life of late. Well, long story short, you girls should know I'm attached now and we are just inseparable. hahahaah... :p We're both happy and it's improving with each passing day. I really hope she's the one and I'll be the one who would reopen her "factory". Cool!!! ;)

Well, I'm just writing to keep 1 post per month quota...kekeek :p If you girls wanna know more, just log on to facebook and my status is usually talking about us....so, keep in touch babes ;) love ya!!! muacckkss!!

Valentine's: The LOVE of All Evil????

For weeks, the thoughts in my mind have been pouncing up and down like the Tiger, that took over the Ox in February. Somehow or rather, my confidence level had dipped to the lowest in recent times. I had no idea what triggered it, but it just happened. And I believe having a modest paycheck and the increasing in years on Earth, have a major part to play in it.

I even seeked divine advice on career changes and I was given the green light to stay put in insurance and not return back to shipping with my tail between the legs. I guess, all along I know the answer, but I just need “someone” to affirm that decision. I really felt more at ease after visiting the temple. She showed me the way and I really appreciate it. :)…and for all God’s grace, I asked about my love life as well. Hahahahah…I really don’t wanna die old alone, man!! Anyway, the Gods are shining on me for this request too. So, it’s not too bad and I should have some sort of a Good relationship in years to come. When?? I don’t know…but I know it will come, eventually… :p

Started the long weekend with a “Pre-Valentine’s” lunch with Nana. And well, it wasn’t formal, just lunch. Surprisingly, both bought chocolates for one another. :p I was really surprised by that gesture…hmmmm…I think I might have pondered too deep into that gift, but STILL, it was a nice feeling. :) I'm not sure whether she wants to go into a relationship or not, coz I couldn’t sense anything from her…there wasn’t any clear signals. No body language that gives me the “go-ahead”. So, I shall just bid for my time to come….or maybe move on to another target. Coz eventually, I know she’s not the one…she’s just there at the right place at the right time, but with the wrong person. I don’t want another merry-go-round and disrupt one another’s life. Anyway, I might still play by the ear….no hard feelings baby ;)

You can see from the way I write that, I’m really a freaking contradict. On one hand I wanted this, but on the other, I’m not. I such an asshole sometimes…!!!

I guess I wanted companionship. That’s all. But the girls that entered my life ain’t what I’m looking for. And it’s damn difficult to find the right one…or maybe, there isn’t the RIGHT ONE!! Haiz….isn’t being idealistic in love a romantic thing?? But in real life, the best just ain’t good enough, coz there’s always better ones that will come along and disrupt your life and make your mind go haywire!!!!!

Like what my friends said, I should lower my expectations. But I already lowered!!! Anymore lower, I can just get hitched with any girl I see within the next 30 seconds!! I would still like to think there’s someone outside, perfect for me. I just have to wait. Unlike in the movies, I can’t fast forward to reveal who she is, but I can wait for another 5 years, and that’s about it dude..By then, if Ms Right still isn’t in sight, I might just stay single…. ;)

It’s all about love, happiness & money in the last few weeks or so. My emotions fluctuate between cloud 9 and hell. It’s really unstable..I can only flirt so much, and at the end of the day, I still need someone to lean on and called her my greatest love.

Are you out there…….somewhere???

2010...

It’s the start to the new year, while others termed it the next decade. Well, it’s a long shot to what will happen in the next 10 years, but I will make do with it. Taking each day as it comes is the biggest accomplishment for me. No point planning and not fulfilling it. And most importantly, living life to its fullest. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s dead true…so people, LIVE LIFE. ;)

I didn’t do my year-end post coz my schedule was packed and there’s no inspiration for me to write anyway, even though lots happened. Had a fantastic glitter X’mas with me in full make-up galore and NYE was great as well, i.e. spending time with Soon having a heart-to-heart talk till dawn. That was awesome!! :)

I just feel obliged to write my 1st post for the year in the 1st month before it slips by me again. Kekekeek…oh well, here’s the dirty stuff (but I know you girls love it..hahahah) for the last 5 weeks or so…

It was a great December with activities leading up to X’mas. NYE was kinda of a letdown, but the people didn’t. So, that more or less make up for it. Then came 1 Jan, and everything was normal with me hanging out with my gang and Kelvin having fun, food and drinks. And I should fast forward to the last 24 hours….been feeling down with money issue and I can’t cope with myself drawing such a pathetic salary!! Been spending A LOT for this past few weeks and I can literally see my bank account dwindling fast!! It’s like, I’m spending $1,600 in this month alone!!! Mind you, that’s my entire month’s salary!!!! There’re the credit card bills, mobile, gatherings, prezzies, and I just have to buy Irene another birthday gift. Me and my big mouth!!!! Anyway, what bought can’t be undone, so just be it. This coming weeks, I just have to survive on hawker food and home-cooked. So, no more fast-food and drinking session (if I can help it..). Gonna come back everyday, and do my runs. At least, when I’m broke, I can have a fit body.

Beginning to think I’m a loser. So much so that I’m going mad. And I don’t have to think hard to realize at the age of 27, I don’t have anything in life. No career, no girlfriend, no money, no cards, no car, no house, no NOTHING!!! I seriously have to consider my career path now, before it’s too late to salvage anything. It’s either insurance or shipping. There’s no 2 ways about it. If not, I’ll consider applying for the Operations Manager under MOE. Well, we shall see again in 3 months time..Anyway, I’m sure the bonus gonna sucks and the increment, peanuts. Let’s face it, how much will 1.25 months bonus and 3% increment bring you to???!!! It’s definitely not heaven, sweetie. I miss shipping and the fatty bonus slapped in your face..

So, I’ll not hold back to send out resumes again. I can’t live with such pay structure anymore. Now, should be a good time to find back my roots and stick it in deep.

It’s not about being emotional, but it’s the facts of life. People of this world see your job title, salary and your material possession with great importance. IT MATTERS!!!!!!! I don’t even dare reveal to people my job title when asked, it’s shitty!! It’s a honest day’s work, but the feeling just sucked!!

I don’t know what I want in life, in terms of career, but I just wanna find a niche I’m good in…and fuckingly, I’m still finding…!!

Well, what a “good” way to end January and set the tone for February. If anyone’s gonna ask me what I work as, I’ll just act blur. It’s nothing glam but nothing low-class. But I just don’t like it.

Welcoming Xmas & NYE!!

Been super busy the last few weeks with don’t know what too!! Hahahah…everything is at hyper speed now, as we speak. Busying with the Xmas party is of the utmost agenda. The hotel room, the make-up, clothes, food, party games, prezzies, gift exchanges and all the co-ordination is going at a frantic pace!!

I guessed I had been having lotsa fun gearing up for this big event. Spending lots of time and effort on the perfect gift for my loved ones and hunting down the best bargains too. My bank account has been bleeding profusely since the last pay slip came in. Oh my God, the money just gushed out like the rapids @ NZ!! Hahaha…And I dipped into my savings too. That’s the worst scenario ever!! Just saw the credit card bill, and guess what??!!…it’s a hefty $677.15!!!!!! The biggest ever bill ever amounted! Sian…now I also don’t know how to pay my dad..haiz…..Can’t wait for payday to come again!!! *wishing money can drop from the sky NOW!!*

Anyway, back to happy thoughts :). The Xmas party preparation is gonna be the biggest party yet, in terms of budget. This year, we really go all out. And here’s the “lovely” breakdown:

Swissotel room - $36
Gift exchange - $16
Accessories from Chomel - $55
Make-up & hair - $58
Gifts for J&J - $53 (and counting)
Gift for Irene - ??? (hmmm…most probably under $50)

It’s already totaling up to a neat sum of $250. And I’m not even done yet!!!!!! WOW!!! That’s why I kept stressing, it’s gonna be the BIGGEST AND the most Expensive party ever organised by us. Hahahah…sad part is, it’s always the same people attending. It may be the most expensive, but it’s only big in spirit and not in numbers. Oh well, it’s the company that counts, and not the number of people I guess.

I even wanna top it up with a new pair of boots to complete my look (which I freaking have no idea how it will turn out…Egyptian eyes make-up, almost a black ensemble, some Japanese hairstyle, pink glossy lip-gloss, and finishing up with a body full or gold and silver giltters.) hmmmmm…….androgynous?? most likely… :p Seems like after checking my account, that boots just gotta wait for another year… :p

Been feeling the shopping bug catching on to me. Was shopping for sunnies and tried a couple luxe brands, like Dsquared and Police, and they looked darn good! Down side, Dsquared is $670 (before 30% off) and Police is way in my league @ $270. It’s very comfy but the price was super steep. So, gonna check out my neighborhood optical shops for Police sunnies and lock that into my company’s account. Kekekeek.. :p If not, it will be the Mercury Raybans (which is not what I’m expecting. I want an exact replica of what MJ wore in his music video…haiz…) @ $185, which I know can be lower even further. Good luck to me!!

So much to buy this 2009. My intended purchases span from DSLR, to multi travel plans spread between the next 5 years, to luxe watches, to nice perfumes and sunnies, and back to my fav, clothes!!! Phew!!! What a year of fickle shopping lists…hahahahah…think I gotta start small and bring it up a notch when my pay gets better. Now, it’s back to planning my Xmas & NYE party and baking that yummy, rummy fruitcake!!! Yayz!!! :p

Out of Sorts...You Asked For It!!!!

It has been a boring week 46. The days sucked, and the weekends are worst! It practically rained the whole week, and when the sun shines today, I have no plans at all. Such a waste!!!

I don’t know why I’m waiting earnestly for the phone call, that I know it will never come. What am I expecting from her??!!! NOTHING!! So, how come I’m still doing that man :( …..when every single close friend of yours are not available, even the slightest possibility will become a huge. I know nothing’s gonna happened, and jolly well know she’s not the type of girl I’m after. But she’s just there for the picking, you know what I mean?? Anyway, I realized after taking out Soon and Irene, I don’t really have much friends to go around…especially for a simple shopping trip or just coffee. I just don’t. Sometimes, you just wanna laze around a coffee joint and chat the whole day, but I just don’t have that (at the moment). Friends are getting few and far between, at a rapid pace. It’s even faster than deforestation!

That’s why it stuck my mind to work overseas and start afresh, in a new environment with new people with new setbacks with new experiences….new everything!! It’s just a thought, which can be fulfilled if I put my mind to it…(maybe I should sign up for the upcoming seminar on working in Aussie..)

The last few days were pretty insightful when I managed to speak to Soon on many topics affecting us. It’s a good heart-to-heart talk. How many friends can I do that??? Not much…and definitely less than 5. Names that I can ratter offhand now are Jo and Irene. That’s a pretty decent tally, but I hope I can expand the group size….at least when they aren’t around, I can have some alternatives.

It’s been bothering me the past week and hasn’t been a delightful experience for me. When I begin to evaluate my life, it just crumbles before my eyes. It saddens me to see myself in this state. I wanna be happier, but it’s hard at times. My only hope now is 2010. And after reading my fortune for the impending year ahead, it looks pretty bright for me, both on the work front and love. Sounds too good to be true, but I rather take that in for now. :)

I really REALLY should forget about her (stop daydreaming, Nick!!!) and get my butt back on track. Focus on other issues and let it fade into the background…GOD, I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!!!

96 Hours

The 1st posting of November. What a way to start this month with a bang. My friendship with Alexis got an unexpected twist and just got tighter by an inch. It all began after a week Heejung left and I left a message on her facebook. Well, she reacted in kind and left her number. I was just checking on her and seeing that she’s ok and coping well. It all started from then.

We talked on the phone for hours in the weeks that followed and it was good. Suddenly, I became her new BFF. Then last Thursday, that phonecall changed my life for the next 96 hours. I was at work and got her call around 9.40am, (just stepped into office for just 30 minutes) and she told me she gotten into an accident, and asked me to call the police. But it was a fight that broke out between her and the landlord. Essentially, it’s money issues but the mutual respect was the main blame. I’m sure if Alexis was more tolerant and tactful, that wouldn’t have happened, and she could “happily” stayed there till 30th before moving out, and NOT moving in a rush in less than 72 hours.

It was a mad rush for time and finding a place to stay in that time frame is ridiculous. I phoned all the contacts I have but eventually, her sister’s colleague ex-fiancé gotten the nice bachelorette pad for her. He was so nice and helpful. Anyone would have likened to him. Well, having a rich family indeed makes things less worrisome and everything was done by Friday afternoon. Yuppie!!! It was a really nice studio and she’s the bloody 1st tenant to move in!! hahahah… :p

Anyway, I helped her with almost everything. From the police report, to the hospital, to finding the new place, to cleaning her old room, to making sure she gotten all her details right. And she’s really a sotong. She got a shorter memory than me!! Hahahah…so, I was there to take care of the whole situation, and putting in under control. It was an eye-opener for me, as I get to know the housing T&C, SingTel service blah blah…

I got all the stuff for her to pack, so I just sit there and see. I even roped in my dad to help me get the boxes!! Kao!!…She doesn’t want me (or guys) to pack/unpack her personal stuff. I think this happens to all girls, not only Koreans. Anyway, I can’t be bothered with that. Better still, less work for me!

It’s been a tiring ordeal for both of us, especially her. I guess mentally she’s hurt and she’s in a daze most of the time….but after finalizing the housing, she’s much better. :) I, myself didn’t look good either. I slept late, and waking up early to go over and settle the loose ends. Just feel there’s a need to help her see through things. No matter what, she’s still a girl and in a foreign land…so as a friend, it’s only right to go the extra mile. (I promised HJ that I’ll take care of her…so, there I am, fulfilling that promise ;) )

If I’m gonna write an account for the last 96 hours, I think I can go on forever and write a book.

I seriously even thought of starting a relationship with her, but I guess I couldn’t find the chemistry between us and we are poles apart. I reckon she sees me as a friend too, so there’s no ground to pursue this. For example, these 4 days we have been eating in restaurants and going by cab, and definitely taking a toll on me (even though I didn’t pay most of it). But still, the lifestyle is so different, that even by compromising, it will only be as good as it gets. I admit; it’s nice to feel rich and not worry about money. It really does. But, I can’t do it…I just can’t. To have her foot all the bills, just not gonna do it for me. And to eat at those places every single meal, is also a no-no. I guess you get my drift. WE ARE WORLDS APART.

That’s why, Justin and myself both agreed that, Singapore is not a place for her. It’s too Asian and there’s too many unsaid customs to follow and to comprehend. Our culture is not something she can adapt to and going back to America is still the best thing for her. I told her that during lunch today, and definitely will highlight to her when the time comes again.

Well, just gotten a call from her earlier, and she’s gonna fly back to Korea tomorrow. I guess, she doesn’t have a choice and with her mom’s pressure, she definitely has to. Hopefully, everything will turn out fine and back to normal in a couple of weeks. For now, it’s back to taking the subway, hawker food and my trusty KDK fan. :)

*p.s. my perception of busty girls has also changed, and becoming more “Westernized” after spending time with her. I guess, somehow I got brainwashed…I don’t know how, but I did. I don’t even glance at girls anymore. Hahahah…I’m truly listening to my inner voice and that attraction to American/Aussie accented English girls has just heightened to a new level. It’s no longer just boobs, and looks. Now, it’s just the nose and perfect English ;)

Smooth Skin..

I have been hardworking today. kekekek…I’ve diligently used my body scrub, had my facial peel and mud mask. Today seems to be beauty treatment day! Hahahah.. :p But my skin’s in pretty bad shape, so I’m thinking whether to visit Dr. Seow for the Vitamin A treatment. Hmmmm…shall call up on Monday to make the appointment. I want my smooth skin too!!!!

So full the last 2 days and tipping the scales at 67kg…my heaviest in months!!! Lucky, the coming weeks, I’m stepping up my runs, so should lose the excess in 2 months. By December, I should be back to my slim 63kg.. ;)

Living behind those glasses...

Another emo-moment for me. As I’m writing this, I’m listening to Officially Missing You by Janice & Sonia and I realized loving someone ain’t so easy anymore. When you’re of marriageable age, you can’t love anyone anymore. You gotta plan for the future and whether this girl/guy is the one for you. You gotta screen the person to the DNA, and I’m dead serious!! Hahahah…to me, it is lah. I gotta know her family profiles, their medical background, her own health status, career, financial planning…blah blah…so it’s quite a major headache when you think of it.

I guess I’m just a worrier. I think and worry too much. I can no longer go with the flow. Time ain’t on my side man. 26 going on 27. It ain’t much but it’s 1 step further into adulthood, and it’s time I make more permanent decisions. For instance, my career. It’s not going anywhere and job hopping ain’t gonna help in the long run. I’m even contemplating to move overseas for work. A fresh start and the slower pace might be better for me, who knows?! I seek simpler life and starting a family there would be a nice addition to the picture. :)

It’s been a roller coaster ever since the annulment. It’s even more topsy turvy now than ever. Hahahah…everyone been asking why I’m still going out with Irene, and my response has always been the same. But deep down, of course I know she’s still holding out for me, but I’m can’t reciprocate the love. It’s a struggle for me too, coz I can’t avoid her and she’s always there when you needed someone, for movies, dinners etc. So, who can I turn to, when all my friends are attached??!! And they still have the gall to ask me, “why you still going out with her?”…humbug!! Sometimes, seeing a familiar face makes my worries go away, so she’s the next best thing. I wanted to shun her, but it’s just not right. We can still be good friends though. So what’s going on in her mind is totally beyond my control…

Yesterday, I was flipping through our courtship photos by accident. I was so much flesh-er!! Hahahah…and we looked so good together. :)…Thoughts ran wild, but I don’t wanna see myself becoming the monster again. Sometimes, I wish she didn’t meet me. Or, I didn’t go clubbing on the fateful night. Everything will definitely be different and who knows, she might already become a mummy. I guess, it’s her worst decision to have met me. Utterly waste of time..a time of her prime. If I can return that 3 years to her, I would…plus interest.

Though I kept complaining on having no girlfriend, I’m not even sure I’m up for it again. The whole courtship process, the whole getting-to-know-a-new-person process, is such a pain in the ass. I gotta fact find everything again, though I know I would be happy to do it if I’m in love with her. But it’s still a chore lah!! A whole new adaptation to one another’s habits, peeves, culture, can be very taxing. Falling in love can actually be very tiring and mental straining. All the chemical reactions in our body are going crazy just because of this attraction. It’s amazing, but is it worth it when all that reactions stop??

So when the perfect one comes along, what would my reaction be…………???

Run for Life

Finally succumbed to the temptation of NOT running. Kekeek…coz the omen is so CLEAR!! C is going jogging…I saw my folks jogging…and I even saw my friend, ALL at the same day!!….so it’s a sign that I must run loh. hahahah…but I think I misread it, coz I sustain injuries even before I started running. I strained my back when stretching and during the run, I strained the muscles behind my left knee. Wah lau, just 7km and I kana so many injuries. Bo hua man…but I felt refreshed after that..so naturally, I slept well too. :)

The up side is, my appetite increased and ate like a pig!! Hahahah…next stop, wine feast tomorrow with Jo…yayz!!! ;)

Withdrawal Part II...

Saw a young Korean girl on the way back, and it immediately triggered my memories with my yobo. :( I’m still not adjusting back to reality and life without her. Give me time….lots of it.

I’m listening to Korean songs just to feel her presence here with me. It transports me back to our past events. Nice feelings all over… :) well, I guess she’s been a part of my life so long, that she truly meant something to me. Kudos to her, that I have the songs that she gave me…muack!!!

This feeling of missing her will fade eventually, but I know it just went deeper into my heart and missing her more. ;) Our memories will bring sooooo much more meaning in time to come. :)

Withdrawal...

The activities in October had brought a great beginning to the month. Mostly it surrounds around Heejung, coz she’s leaving us and back to Korea. Time passes extremely fast the last 14 days. Before I know it, it’s her last 24 hours here…sob sob.. :( The emotions ran high for me, and practically I have no mood for work yesterday. I wanted to take leave but coz of my family dinner, there’s really no point. Somehow, I regretted it but it’s over…so no point crying over this. It’s the 1st time I feel sad when someone is leaving for good. I think it’s bcoz I know when she comes back, it will only be visiting and not permanently. So, I guess I didn’t get the same feeling when Yanfen or Jo left for Aussie in the past.

We really bonded tightly the last 2 weeks. Whenever there’s an empty slot in my calendar, I would think of her and meet up for dinner or something. Our friendship has accelerated and brought us close and I already started to miss her when I know I can’t see her till next May. Work was definitely not on my mind yesterday. There are only images of her. She’s been a great friend and I will never gonna forget her. Though I told her I will cry but I didn’t. The tears were welled up inside me and it showed on my face. There’s sadness written all over. But she kept her cool and smiled. Coz she knows we will meet again. That’s so philosophical, but I agree with a tinge of reluctance. I know she’s sad but she held it back, coz once it’s out, there’s no holding her back. I still sent her sms after we left and hoping she’s connected and indeed she was. She called and I was so darn happy!!!! We chatted a few and I know she’s gonna be ok, so that’s how it ended. :) I just wanted her to stay with us forever, here in Singapore….sob sob…

We all know she will leave one day, but I always hope that day will never come. As I’m writing this, the sadness is still in me, deeply not wanting to let her go. We hugged and I almost didn’t wanna let go coz I know it will be our last. I’m just reminiscing our good times and how it will be when we meet up again…definitely there will be longer hugs and kisses!!!

I know why Agatha doesn’t like the airport. Seeing your loved ones off is 1 of the hardest things. I HATE IT!!!

Till the next meeting my dear friend…yobo, WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE!!!!…I LOVE YOU!!!! Come back soon ok….!!!

Definitely getting married @ 35!!!

Disappointment, disappointment….it’s written all over my face :(….she didn’t turn out the way I wanted her to be. Firstly, she isn’t the same gal I saw in Facebook. Secondly, she turned out older than I thought!!! She’s at least 32, 33!!! Aaarrggghhh!!!

HOW COME I GOT THE KNACK WITH OLDER WOMEN!!!!!!??????

I just knew that I wouldn’t have scored with a gorgeous, young thing in my lifetime. It’s always been like that all along. I thought I’d broken the curse with her, but apparently it’s still the same…*faint*

I don’t mind the age, but why give people false hopes with that 2 photos!!!!!!???? I knew she played down my expectations of her, but to that extent??!!! It’s too much for me to swallow lah…but now I learnt 2 new things. When a girl doesn’t reveal her age, she’s 90% 30yrs and above. Secondly, when she said she’s normal looking, better believe her words!!! These are the 2 things I’ll remember for LIFE!!!

Besides that, she’s a friendly person (she even shaked my hand when we meet…wah lau!! I’m not your client leh..) and very personable. But the looks department is just very off lah…haiz…at least I met her early, and didn’t leave it too late in the “relationship”. That’s why I soooooooo relaxed with her today. normally, when I’m with a “real” babe, I’m more fake and forced. But with her, I’m totally ME…

I FEEL CHEATED!!!!!!!!!

I think I’m prettier than her today loh!!! At least I resemble 99% of what you see in my photos. Really a major setback for me in the dating field. I just couldn’t shake off the “older women” attraction. It’s not my fault that they keep coming to me….I want a young child-bearing girl!!! Is it too much to ask for???!!!!

Back to the drawing board…………………………………………… sob sob……….

I SCORE A DATE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (PM Mood)

Need I say more??? Hahahaha…I’m totally elated when she finally said YES!!!

I told her a more concrete plan and indeed she went and checked her schedule (no more excuses this time), and it’s either Monday or Tuesday. I got exam on Monday, so she said Tuesday would be better coz of me and the tendency of her clients calling on Monday is higher…so Tuesday will be great. :)

Though she told me it’s ok for now, and not guaranteed…but she said it’s 70% safe. So, I’m praying hard, her jackass clients don’t come calling her for meeting in the middle of our date. Or her office calling as well….*tolong tolong la!!!*

It’s gonna be a simple movie and lunch. But I’m all good for that. Nothing must fail on that day. And I’ll personally see to it. In the back of my mind, I’m already sizing up the location and rehearsing on what topics to say and stuff. I’m even more nervous now than my FYP presentation!! Kekeke…I’m just sooooooo happy la, so bear with it… :p

My plan finally work..i.e. a more firm-up plan, at least let her know when to make time for me is definitely a key to my success. I was banking on this, and if this fails, I’m out of ammo. So, I’m praying hard this date will turn fruition. I really want this to bear fruits man!!!

My mood definitely lightens up after this great, big confirmation. Instantly, I just shine through my smile. Kekekek…don’t think I need to say more, until the date is over and I’ll have more to update….and also, I don’t wanna jinx it by writing too much…I’m pan tang!! :p

*hope nothing will cock up…cross fingers*