Be True to Yourself

I guess my life is in a mess right now (isn’t it the norm??). Breaking off from a relationship and getting on to another which I’m not supposed to. It’s like everything is back to square one.

On the train ride back home, was reading through the past SMSes that she sent me, and tears were welled up in my eyes, just waiting to fall. I knew I did the right thing but I hurt another person again. :(

Why can’t she has a clearer background and we could really blossom? It’s really unfair coz things were looking up and we smoothed out a lot of issues along the way and the future is just waiting for us. But, the major obstacles were my dad and friends. I couldn’t get any blessing from them, which made things even more difficult to carry on, on my own. I didn’t tell her that, and just let her hate me. I guess, that would be better so that she can move on without any worries.

Being true to myself, I know I can’t marry her as well. I have issues too and it’s very difficult to cast it aside just like that. It’s gonna take years and maybe even counseling to make this flirtatious nature of mine dissolve.

Since the breakup, I didn’t have the time to sit down and think through this. I never had the time to cry it out. I tried to avoid everything related to her, i.e. Facebook, photos etc. But I kept the wallpaper on my mobile the same (i.e. the 2 of us) and still wearing our ring. It’s not becoz I still want her back, but to serve as a reminder of the hurtful things that I might do to another girl if cupid strikes again. I don’t think I have the courage to love again. The heartache and emotions that comes with it, just ain’t gonna make me wanna put another girl through it again. Unless I’m perfectly sure she’s the one and I’ve changed completely.

That’s why till now, I still tell people I’m still attached and the Facebook relationship status is still “In a relationship”. I didn’t wanna bother telling people I’m single now and attract unnecessary attention. I think I’ve outgrown this and just want some peace and quiet for now.

I guess it’s time I grow up and stay single for as long as possible. Stop getting into relationships, Nick!! Help those poor girls. They deserve better!!!...

…I’m sure they do. Many times over.

16.03.2011

It’s the 4^th day, and it’s tough alright. Sleep wasn’t as sweet as it used to be, and waking up in the wee hours had been a norm. Either shaken up from a dream or found myself crying till I wake up. It’s so real, but I know it wasn’t.

I know the decision I took is harsh for her, but eventually I know it’s the fairest way for her and she definitely deserve better. Deep down I know I can’t give her the full happiness that she truly deserves, and more problems will definitely prop up in the future. Most probably, the same issues repeating itself in the arguments.

After been through 2 fantastic relationships, I finally know what a person I am in a relationship and the behavior I would portray during the course of the courtship. That’s why my conclusion for my life is, not to engage into another relationship ever again. EVER!!

I hate seeing the girl hurt and going through the emotional roller coaster because of me. It’s the worst feeling ever! I did say in every relationship that I only give her happiness and the tears that they will shed, will only be happy tears. Maybe like what I perceived of my lifetime, I should stay away from girls unless I know I can give them a lifetime of happiness instead of a short term one.

After what I had been through, I truly know the real, deeper meaning of love and how relationship is supposed to be run. I shouldn’t keep changing her wholesale but to love her for who she really is, coz that’s what both of them did for me. It makes me feels really small and insignificant. If she can overlook my flaws, why can’t I??? I believe that’s the thing that keeps me from enjoying myself in a relationship, and once I can embrace that, I believe I can fall in love again. But it’s gonna be a long process, and it may never come true. So, singlehood is the way to go for now.

I realized I’m as selfish as any other person but I didn’t know the degree of selfishness I have in me until I went through the relationships. Selfish by not letting the person into my life fully. Subconsciously, I’m doing that all the time. I’m still very protective of my own privacy and free time. Anyone crosses that boundary, I’ll be pissed off. And when she told me the about the same thing, I couldn’t agree more. For the 2 relationships that matters to me most, I didn’t really immersed myself fully into the relationship (even though I thought I did). I’m just lousy…so in that sense, I didn’t put in enough effort into the relationships.

Many issues surfaced and spiraling inside my head, and I’m trying to kill it all with 1 single blow. Even after this break-up, the issues that “belong” to me, need to be rectified by myself before embarking into another relationship. I reckon that will be the biggest challenge of my life.

Though sad, I take away many valuable lessons and I feel heartened, I did what I had to do, before she takes it even worst if the relationship takes deeper roots. It’s a harsh reality, but I hope she will see the true intention of me doing this. She will find her own happiness after “cleansing” herself in this relationship, and bringing with her new values and lessons for her next one. :)

I would always love her and I know I wouldn’t deserve any love in this lifetime, coz my calling is to spread it and not owning it. ;)

I said that long ago, and I’m repeating it again. I’m really beginning to believe I’m a cupid in disguise… :)