Jealousy: A Poison

Getting emotional again…by the way I’m writing, I know it’s gonna be a damn long posting of me and my twirly, whirly roller coaster ride of sian-ness. Haiz….lost my edge again. For the umpteen times, I lost interest in love AGAIN.

Last night, though was a fun outing, I couldn’t swallow it down when they tell C that tonight gonna be a baby-making night coz she drank a lot. It just not right when you hear such things. It all boils down to jealousy. But, WHO AM I TO HARBOR SUCH FEELINGS??!! At that point of time, I just wanna go home and hide myself under the sheets. I felt limp all of a sudden. I lost interest in winning money, and my laughter becomes very superficial. And to think, I have to listen to such things over the course of the night, it’s a torture!

I felt like crying bcoz, why do I have to go through all these..??!! I’m eligible enough to find a single girl, but nooooo, I have to find those with other martial status in the dictionary. I’m just a man slut!!…Throughout the night, I was just hallucinating about how I would find a nice girl, settling down and put this behind me….all the way till I reached home. But it’s still a fantasy. I think I really don’t deserve such happiness anymore. Not ever since I destroyed someone else’s. I reckon this is what you called, trials and tribulations.

It was so near, but we couldn’t even share a single word. Not even a “Hi”. It was really dumb that we had to resort to sending text to one another. Even CW shared a moment with her. And I’m even dumb enough to think I would be able to share a private moment with her, even for a few minutes in the prelude to this retreat. I was really naïve. 27 years on and still thinking there’s a prefect outcome. Where the fuck have I been all this time??!!!!!! Fairy tales don’t come true. GET A GRIP!!!

Seriously, I don’t know why I even bothered about this thingy. It’s really non-communicable, non-physical and we don’t even date!!! What kind of affair is it??!! Is there a name for it???!!!

Ya, there is. It’s called, “Get-a-life-and-get-yourself-a-woman syndrome”. In Chinese saying, simply put it…fan jian.

So this is how it feels like. A 2nd class citizen. I don’t think it’s even befitting to categorize me in that class. I’m worst than that. I’m like, 2nd class in a 3rd world country. Poor of the poorest. Totally rid of my dignity, pride and manhood. There ain’t anything worst than that.

I officially lost hope in love, and finding anyone in my lifetime. I’m sooo done with it.

Tears welling, heart aching, body quivering. Is that what I should be feeling, for being in the position I’m in now? Or should I be feeling otherwise?

I honestly need a love guru right now. hahahahah…I’m so bad in regaining my self-esteem right now, that everything is so meaningless to me at this very instance. I hadn’t had this feeling in ages. Not ever since the thought of annulling came to me. It’s a tough choice and bothered me in the months that came. This could take at least 6 months before I can regain my foothold and gain faith again. I’m so drama, but it’s true. I think Su can relate to me, perfectly. Coz she’s a drama queen too!! Kekekek… :p

If this event can’t even get us talking, I don’t know what will. It should be clear to me all along, but I just refuse to take off that blind in front of me. But now, I think I know what I should do. Doing so much, but gaining nothing. A BIG FAT ZERO. Not even a hug, let along a kiss.

Brain waves:
***stop torturing yourself Nick!!! She ain’t worth all that trouble. Focus your energy on someone who’s worth all your love and passion. Go out and meet new girls and have the guts to talk to them/date them. Have balls my friend!! Stop wallowing up in self-pity. Be a man!***

Bitching, Gossip, LOVE, Disappointed, Hatred...

This week is the BEST!!! I’m only writing bcoz it’s only the day I’m NOT having a date of sorts. Hahahah…

Monday, met up with the beloved Agnes for dinner and a eventually, it turned out to be a bitching good time!! hahaha…we poured out our life stories in the short 3 hours and gained insight on one another’s life and personality. It’s such a fuzzy feeling to have found another listening ear. Yayy!!! :) And I’ve freaking no idea why I told her so much in 1 session, that I could have told Jo in many. Kekeke….I guess, to find someone to talk to, nowadays, can be an uphill task. Everyone’s busy and buzzing with their own lives. It’s tough!!! Girls are just better listener than guys. PERIOD!!

So came Tuesday. Met up with Ben and Shang for our usual dinner and kopi session. Food’s great but the tea is a ripped off!! Hahahah…rather pay 80cents and drink at kopi tiam. :( …Anyway, just found out Ben’s gonna propose this coming October in Japan to his 1yr old girlfriend. It’s kinda fast but who am I to say, when I myself did the exact same thing 3 years back. He’s adamant and our advice just fell on deaf ears. But I guess he’s more level-headed than me, so he should know what he’s in for. And Shang, already proposed, popped a $9K diamond ring, quit his job and further his studies. Cool thing is, knowing that he’s gonna be the ONLY professor friend I would EVER make in my lifetime. Hahahahah…he’s gonna be NEO. The ONE!! The one who will make the 1st $1,000,000!!!! Hahahahah…

But on a honest note, when they told me then, I felt like I’m gonna lose another 2 more friends to marriage. They thought I’m just be emotional and paranoid, but they don’t know what the marriage thing's gonna do to them loh. Though I gave them my blessings, but deep down, I know I’ll see less of them and losing my circle of close knitted pals to this inevitable cycle of life. Another thought also came to mind. Get a girlfriend and settle!! It’s easier said than done. Somehow, I feel like a lone ranger and don’t really yearn for company, but on the other hand, keep complaining about the quality ones are already snapped up. Anyway, I’m a born contradict. Target for 2nd half of 2009 still remains the same: find me a girlfriend/companion…whatever!!

Lastly, came the mid-week delight: My bi-annual meet-up with Jo, Shan and Chrisen. We really were a rowdy bunch. We laughed and made a huge racket wherever we went. Hahahah…it was fun poking at each other, and it made us young again. The feeling of seeing old friends rekindled the kind of feeling, you can’t get anywhere. And all of us agreed. :)..I really wished time would stop for us last night. We could just talked for hours and hours. We were only let down by time and our day job. We shared interesting facts, gossips and the usual girly stuff. And Shan is our clubbing queen!!! Yayy!!! Hahahaah….she’s the grand master of cheong-ing now. Shi fu!! Kekekeek… :p

Hope that our gathering will increase in size and shorten the frequency, will ya?! 2 years is a freaking long time leh…at least make it ½ yearly man…ok?? :p

Looking forward to Friday but the special one is sick and it’s still 50/50 whether she’s going to the gathering. I’ve been longing for this day since 2 weeks back. And now she’s down with the bloody flu bug..Humbug!!! It’s just not fair!!! Why do YOU have to deprive me the only time I can see her!!??? Is it Your way of telling me to back off?? Then please get Cupid to do his job, and I shall be on my way!!!! Aaarrrggghhh!!!!

I’m depressed, sad, annoyed and practically listless that I lost my mojo. Haiz….I don’t ask much, but still such a joke has to be played on me, time and time again.

I’m lost………..

ICT’s looming and to hell with it. What I’m gonna write (or thinking to write) is so anti, that I’ll be arrested if they read it. So, please use your imagination and the superlatives that I will use to describe it……..

Hoping for a more fruitful August, and the impending Halloween party that we’re gonna organize. Red indians and cowboys??? Kekeke :p

Finding a girlfriend is HARDER than finding a JOB!!!

Received a call from Yanfen last Tuesday. And guess what?! She rang just to ask me whether I wear boxers!!?? What the HELL!!??? Hahahah…I reckon it must be on sale, that’s why she rang to enquire about my size…kekeke…anymore, she told me bcoz she can’t buy for a guy friend, so I was the alternative. Oh, what the heck…I’ll wear anything that’s from the heart & FREE!!! :p

Been going back on the dot lately and I’m wondering is it a good thing or not. Work wise, it means either business’ bad or we are darn efficient. Hmmm…it’s a bit of both ba. Social wise, have been arranging dinner dates with my pals and it’s been fruitful. Exchanging experiences and gossip. It’s like renewing our friendship. It’s a great feeling and hope we can do it more often…but deep down, I know it’s gonna be tough. I don’t know when will be meet again, so it could be months or even years when we do meet up for a meaningful chat. Anyway, I don’t bother to think so far ahead.

2009 is yet to pass, and I’m already feeling I’ve been working for the longest time here. I totally enjoyed my time and the company. Everyone is great and the best time that happened. I know I know…I have repeated this over and over again. But it’s the fact!! Sometimes, how I wish someone isn’t married, and I would stand a chance to win her over. But the truth is always bitter. Why do I have to fall head over heels with the wrong status quo??!! Haiz……sometimes I even contradict myself. I yearn for affection, but yet afraid of commitment. I think I’m still not ready for a relationship yet or will I be ever ready??? This question has been ricocheting in my head for the past few weeks. I don’t know how long can I hold this man. I need a companion badly, but where/how do I get one??!! School didn’t teach me how!!!!! Hahahaha….

I seriously need a lesson on courtship. I’m really a novice in this man. All my relationships are based on friendship. I have never courted a girl out right. It’s so pai seh!!! Like what Soon told me, “..must be thick skinned..”. I guessed the reality of me remaining a bachelor well into my 30s, is soooooo real now. I’m really becoming scared now..hahahah…

My 2nd wish for this year is getting a companion or at least a close girlfriend that can blossom into something fruitful. Haiz……wish my luck folks ;)

A Great Sunday.. :)

Wah, the netball game was just the exercise I needed after 2 months of inactivity. The slack that I’d given myself is beginning to piss me off. AHM’s coming and still yet to clock the 10km mark. I think I will just die there man. Hahahaha…bloody buck up and start running again!!

Body’s slightly aching, but that’s the kind of pain I’m yearning for, for a long time. I love the aftermath of a good workout. The soreness in the muscles just makes me feel ALIVE!!! SHIOK!!!

Met up with Justin today and managed to celebrate his birthday as well. Great timing bro!! Hahahah….we went shopping and finally gotten my Pedro Oxford’s. Bloody hell, go there a zillion times but never notice that pair. Dumb ass!! Bought it straightaway but wrong size….stupid!!!! Thank God I rope in my sis to exchange it for me tomorrow…kekekek…my mind just went dumb as leather will expand after time. IDIOT!!! Anyway, it’s a great Sunday, even though it rained the whole afternoon and night. :)

My D&D ensemble is almost complete…still left with the ever-impossible-to-find brooch. Guess I really have to make a trip down to Chinatown and Bedok to find this treasure of mine. Wish me luck!!!

Report Card for 1st half of 2009

Just popped by my blog & saw that in the month of June, there’s only 1 entry…hahahaha…wayyyy below standard…kekeke :p…

My shopping trips had really taken a toil on me. Been crazily hunting down items for my D&D. Still left with the elusive crystal encrusted flower brooch that would instantly jazz up my outfit. And the most irritating part is not able to buy a pair of shoes that fits me!!! Aaarrggghh!! Got money but cannot buy. I could easily splurge on 2 pairs of Onitsukas and 2 pairs of Oxford’s, but I can’t :(….back to square one. Only left with 2 weeks and still left dangling with the missing items, it’s bloody frustrating. I don’t wanna spent my weekends shopping, and yet can’t find anything. I got better things to do loh…like swimming, seeing my granny, TV and MSN with Ms C. SHIT!!!

C and I got pretty tight lately and it’s a nice feeling but in the back of my mind, I just refused to admit this would not last. Stubbornly as I might be, both of us know the outcome will be empty, but still pursue it, regardless. She’s the one who tell me to find my own happiness, as she knows she can’t fulfill the “full” package of a partner. We both totally understand, but I guess I’m just stubborn. I just know I’m happy right now and don’t want it to end. Being single and with no love interest can be depressing and boring, so she came in at a right time, and it’s mutual. No harm done, so far. *cross fingers*. Anyway, we both agree that when the time comes for us to make a decision, then we will make it.

2009 has been great as of now, but I hope the 2nd half will be even better. Love interest would be my main concern, since I’ve secured a job. Hahahaha…Like they say, having all the money in the world, but no one to share the happiness with, is really a very sucky thing. I’m full of love and willing to give it whoever dares to cross the boundary. I’m ready for a new relationship…I’M READY FOR YOU. Bring it on!!

........but I still love my baby girl…. ;)