10 years from now...

I was pondering on this thought and couldn’t come to any fruitful conclusion. Or should I say, any conclusion that can satisfy my curiosity.

Given the current status quo, I believe I’m not in any position to provide for anyone, let alone a family. Hell No!! Judgment made and the verdict was, to wake up and stop having fairytale hallucinations of finding Ms Right. The fact is, with the emo vibe I’m having now, she will most probably be frightened away if she sees the state I’m in.

People say I had slimmed down, but I know it’s just words of courtesy. In other words, I look like SHIT!

The radiant color had gone and the dark circles are the mainstay on this shriveled face of mine. Lack lustre and losing the sheen on this 29-going-30 body, is just a terrible feeling.

Emotions running high and low within days and lately, the frequency is rapid and often on the wrong side of the scale. And after reading such a status update, it’s been affecting me even more.

“When will this end??!!”, is the question that I had been asking myself of late. It’s been 6 months, and she is still not over it yet. How long does she need to get over this emotional hurt? It’s not doing her any good and neither do I feel good seeing her like this.

What the hell she wants from me??!!!

I have been trying very hard to battle this bravely for as far as I can go and from what I know, I’m losing momentum and losing steam fast. I’m not getting any motivation and I’m hitting another plateau in time to come. It wouldn’t be easy to overcome this but I know I have to do it, but how????????

Thank God for the break I’m gonna take and the timing cannot be any perfect. I really do need time-off away from this place, and long trip away from this place will do me some good…Or not?

Not Good In Anything (p.s. not emo..)

Sometimes I just feel that I'm not good in anything. I'm mediocre in everything I do, be it studies, sports or work. Even in relationships, I'm just as good as everyone else! Been 10 years on, and I still can't find my niche. It's really REALLY taking its toil mentally and getting FRUSTRATING!!! :(

I don't ask for much. I just wanna be good in one thing. Just ONE! At least when I passes on, everyone will remember me for something. Something tangible, and that I contributed to society in someway.

I'm perfectly happy with being a passer-by in life, but I do hope to be someone who has his own skills, niche and what have you. Not good in something really bug me since secondary school days. I thought by growing up will help me find my niche, but I was wrong. I'm still aimless and useless as before!!! lol...

Scoring As in the bedroom department doesn't mean a thing if your life is a bottomless pit of self pity and aimlessness. I kept asking myself these questions: "What have I achieve in my life so far?; What is my purpose on this planet?; Do I have what it takes to survive this lifetime?; Will I be living my dying days, alone???"...All these questions keep surfacing in my mind from time to time during my "reflection sessions", and it's scary.

I'm not sure when my pathetic lifestyle gonna end, but I'm trying my best to kick it away. Starting from today.

Moodless, Emotional Driven..

I have been wanting to blog but never knew what to write and when I have the heart to jot it down, I'm either out or not accessible to my PC. zzzzzzz......But I want to blog would only be matters of the heart. Nothing would trouble me so much than that. Not even work related issues. Nothing come close.

I don't know where to start where you have all these thoughts flying in your head all the time. The ideas are all disorganised and in pieces. I can literally go on for hours, writing the same old matter, which I feel it's just lame. By writing will only make you realise the problems ain't that big and you just need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. I just need one ingredient to solve all this: Courage.

Things had spun out of hand a couple of weeks ago and it had simmer down to a slow boil and more manageable. But I'm getting frustrated by her swing in decisions and it's really getting into me. Patch back or split, you just tell me. Don't make my head spin, for goodness sake!! I'm really had it!!

It's my fault and I take the full blame, but decision making still lie wholly on her. I really want her to make a rational decision before she gets paranoid all her time with me. Before she gets crazy, maybe I'll go bonkers first. tsk tsk....

I know I shouldn't lose my temper, but her emotional swings are so extreme that I can't grapple with it. Once in a while, I can understand. But she can swing a couple of times in a day, and that it's tough to manage! I've been trying to understand her mood, but it's still difficult to deal with. If I were her, I would have broken off with me after discovery of the matter. No questions asked.

I know she cherish the relationship, that's why she's holding on for so long. But my heart ain't the same after the break-up in initiated in February. I force my heart to die 4 months ago. That's why I was quite reluctant to patch back. I was weak and now, I hurt her because of that. My fault, totally. :(

What I can do now is playing by the ear. I'm not sure what is install for us in the coming weeks, but I hope we can have a conclusion soon. I hope I have the strength to make the right decision for myself and for her. I only want her to overcome this and gain her foothold in life again. I made her this way, and I feel compelled to make her stand again. But whether she will allow me to help her is totally another issue.

Be True to Yourself

I guess my life is in a mess right now (isn’t it the norm??). Breaking off from a relationship and getting on to another which I’m not supposed to. It’s like everything is back to square one.

On the train ride back home, was reading through the past SMSes that she sent me, and tears were welled up in my eyes, just waiting to fall. I knew I did the right thing but I hurt another person again. :(

Why can’t she has a clearer background and we could really blossom? It’s really unfair coz things were looking up and we smoothed out a lot of issues along the way and the future is just waiting for us. But, the major obstacles were my dad and friends. I couldn’t get any blessing from them, which made things even more difficult to carry on, on my own. I didn’t tell her that, and just let her hate me. I guess, that would be better so that she can move on without any worries.

Being true to myself, I know I can’t marry her as well. I have issues too and it’s very difficult to cast it aside just like that. It’s gonna take years and maybe even counseling to make this flirtatious nature of mine dissolve.

Since the breakup, I didn’t have the time to sit down and think through this. I never had the time to cry it out. I tried to avoid everything related to her, i.e. Facebook, photos etc. But I kept the wallpaper on my mobile the same (i.e. the 2 of us) and still wearing our ring. It’s not becoz I still want her back, but to serve as a reminder of the hurtful things that I might do to another girl if cupid strikes again. I don’t think I have the courage to love again. The heartache and emotions that comes with it, just ain’t gonna make me wanna put another girl through it again. Unless I’m perfectly sure she’s the one and I’ve changed completely.

That’s why till now, I still tell people I’m still attached and the Facebook relationship status is still “In a relationship”. I didn’t wanna bother telling people I’m single now and attract unnecessary attention. I think I’ve outgrown this and just want some peace and quiet for now.

I guess it’s time I grow up and stay single for as long as possible. Stop getting into relationships, Nick!! Help those poor girls. They deserve better!!!...

…I’m sure they do. Many times over.

16.03.2011

It’s the 4^th day, and it’s tough alright. Sleep wasn’t as sweet as it used to be, and waking up in the wee hours had been a norm. Either shaken up from a dream or found myself crying till I wake up. It’s so real, but I know it wasn’t.

I know the decision I took is harsh for her, but eventually I know it’s the fairest way for her and she definitely deserve better. Deep down I know I can’t give her the full happiness that she truly deserves, and more problems will definitely prop up in the future. Most probably, the same issues repeating itself in the arguments.

After been through 2 fantastic relationships, I finally know what a person I am in a relationship and the behavior I would portray during the course of the courtship. That’s why my conclusion for my life is, not to engage into another relationship ever again. EVER!!

I hate seeing the girl hurt and going through the emotional roller coaster because of me. It’s the worst feeling ever! I did say in every relationship that I only give her happiness and the tears that they will shed, will only be happy tears. Maybe like what I perceived of my lifetime, I should stay away from girls unless I know I can give them a lifetime of happiness instead of a short term one.

After what I had been through, I truly know the real, deeper meaning of love and how relationship is supposed to be run. I shouldn’t keep changing her wholesale but to love her for who she really is, coz that’s what both of them did for me. It makes me feels really small and insignificant. If she can overlook my flaws, why can’t I??? I believe that’s the thing that keeps me from enjoying myself in a relationship, and once I can embrace that, I believe I can fall in love again. But it’s gonna be a long process, and it may never come true. So, singlehood is the way to go for now.

I realized I’m as selfish as any other person but I didn’t know the degree of selfishness I have in me until I went through the relationships. Selfish by not letting the person into my life fully. Subconsciously, I’m doing that all the time. I’m still very protective of my own privacy and free time. Anyone crosses that boundary, I’ll be pissed off. And when she told me the about the same thing, I couldn’t agree more. For the 2 relationships that matters to me most, I didn’t really immersed myself fully into the relationship (even though I thought I did). I’m just lousy…so in that sense, I didn’t put in enough effort into the relationships.

Many issues surfaced and spiraling inside my head, and I’m trying to kill it all with 1 single blow. Even after this break-up, the issues that “belong” to me, need to be rectified by myself before embarking into another relationship. I reckon that will be the biggest challenge of my life.

Though sad, I take away many valuable lessons and I feel heartened, I did what I had to do, before she takes it even worst if the relationship takes deeper roots. It’s a harsh reality, but I hope she will see the true intention of me doing this. She will find her own happiness after “cleansing” herself in this relationship, and bringing with her new values and lessons for her next one. :)

I would always love her and I know I wouldn’t deserve any love in this lifetime, coz my calling is to spread it and not owning it. ;)

I said that long ago, and I’m repeating it again. I’m really beginning to believe I’m a cupid in disguise… :)

2010..moving into 2011.. ;)

Well well, the 1st post of 2011. I had just saw the entries I posted in the whole of 2010 is less than the number of fingers on my left hand. 4!!! YES, 4 for the whole of last year. Hahahaah…well, I’m not surprised by the numbers, coz I couldn’t even remember the last entry that I did! :p

Anyway, 2010 is really just about me and Nana. There’re a lot of mini quarrels and mega ones as well. It’s so huge that we almost broke up. We have doubts about one another in different periods of the relationship. We managed to talk things through but I know she will never forget, by the way she keeps bringing out past issues. I hated that and she knew it. What I can say now is, I’ve know myself better and what I want in a relationship and maybe in life as well.

But if I see it from other angle, I’m more at ease with myself and in my own skin. Somehow, marriage is no longer in my mind and my bio-clock somehow ain’t ticking so furiously…or maybe it stopped altogether? But I do know, I wanna have kids of my own. :)

Luckily, my life didn’t surround just BGR, there’s other things that happened as well. Like my friend, Serene and best bud, Soon getting hitched. Joyous occasions are always a time to reflect and melt in the romantic atmosphere. ^^ There’s few more coming up this year, i.e. Justin and Seng’s. Yum Yum…can’t wait!!! Kekeekk…

And there’s also a life changing experience for my baby sis. Having gone through a surgery few years back, she went through 2 in December alone!! It’s super brave of her, and my parents ought to be worried sick. I can’t help it by trying to stay home more and spending more time with my sis. Life’s really unpredictable and can take away your loved ones without your consent. So, cherish your family before it’s too late peeps.

2010 is fantastic as other years had been for me, and 2011 is not gonna be any different. It’s how you gonna differentiate and perceive life, that gonna make the greatest impact in your life ahead.

Have a great year ahead my dear gfs, and stay Positive and Cheery!! ;)

It's Coming to an End.......

Why am I doing this to myself??? I’m really asking for it….I reckon there’ll be no sympathy from anyone coz they already told me the hard facts and still I lunge in into this near impossible relationship.

I’m really at my breaking point now……I need someone to talk to. I need advice. I need a listening ear. I need a leaning shoulder….Why am I doing this to myself???

I’m tired now. I can’t find strength to carry this relationship further. It’s affecting my work, my life and everything I do I can’t find the same enthusiasm. :(

Maybe the time is up for me to give up after 4 months of intensive hard work. Hard work mainly on my part. She did try, but maybe it just died down or not up to my mark. I just can’t feel it anymore. Whatever it is, I simply can’t find any reasons to move on with her. She blows hot and cold. And I can never know her true feelings and thoughts. She’s an enigma.

I’m just trying to make each passing day as happy as can be, but the strength to smile is diminishing by the minute. I can’t force myself to smile as radiantly as before. It will be hypocritical to say I’m very happy and see how each day brings us. I don’t want a short term relationship. It would simply be wasting my time and hers as well. She may never wanna get married again, but I do. So, maybe it’s time to let go and move on. I’ve not be able to get the same commitment since Day 1 and I may never get it in Day 100. I’ll be lying to myself and thinking she would, but the effect is slow and time waits for no man. I’m impatient and want things my way, but with her, I can’t. Things can never happen the way I want it to be. Plans will change or postpone, which I’m still trying to grasp the notion of “going with the flow”. I wanna go by schedule, by timeline for once….

I may be laid-back, but not as laid-back to the effects of non-planning. I HATE IT!!!! I HATE LAST MINUTE CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s no planning together, but only me alone. Everything is planned and executed by ME…ALONE…!!! I’m not calculative, but I just want her to get involved in the planning stage. It will do a whole lot good for the relationship. Get involved or get prepared to be shipped out!!

She’s so nonchalant about everything involving us, whereas, with her friends or family, she’s so hands-on and responsive. Am I such an easy person to be bullied??? That’s why they say, “Good guys always finish last” and ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. Can’t some nice girl come forth into my life and give me the same happiness that I would grant her???